After the completely unexpected discovery that the KN-95 masks which had been handed out during the first week of in-person school were counterfeit, the American University Administration has unveiled new COVID-19 regulations.
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There are already some scary characters on campus and just when you thought the student body was spooky enough, here’s where your favorite horror movie figures would end up if they decided to go to American University.
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Fellow wonks, a dark day has fallen upon us.
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“It’s been a wild ride, Class of 2021, we hope you continue to live your best, Wonkiest lives for all of the years to come.”
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“Mourning students spent hours poring over the email looking for a remembrance, or even mere acknowledgement for the death of the ever-unpopular WONK campaign of years past. But to no avail.”
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“I acted like I didn’t care because I wanted to be cool, but I really care a lot, turns out I have a lot of shits to give.”
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“OMG, Wellness Week is such a vibe. Like, I don’t know what everyone is complaining about. I am just so well right now,” said Kina Noying, a sophomore in SOC. “I just have so much time now. I can’t wait to like read a book or explore the city or something.”
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Satan will be on campus this Saturday showcasing a number of employment opportunities within his multi-national company.
AU Admin Responds to Community Frustrations and Burnout
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Considerations for a graduating senior on being “morally neutral”
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