“We Hear You!” Wellness Week Rebrands As Unwellness Week
by Talia Marshall
“We hear you, and we’re here for you,” an email from President Sylvia Burwell’s opened this week. After community frustrations with “Wellness Week,” Burwell announced Monday that the administration was listening to concerns.
Wellness Week was American University’s brilliant plan to curb travel during the pandemic. However, many students still have travel plans for the week, and all students are empty husks of their former selves. In her email, Burwell outlined plans to rebrand Wellness Week as Unwellness Week. Classes will continue as planned, but additional activities have been added to the Engage site.
On Monday, rather than the customary “dogs on the quad,” students in the District can enjoy “slog in the bog,” an activity where they must walk across a swamp in boot cut jeans to reach a single toad that begs to be kissed in return for 5 EagleBucks. Those outside the DMV are encouraged to participate in their nearest swamp. Faculty are not invited, but at this point, who cares?
For Tuesday, the Counseling Center has organized a campus-wide Zoom group therapy session with students, faculty, and even members of the Board of Trustees.. “I think we’ll just be logging on to scream,” Mary Pettingworth, a student in SIS with a psychology minor, said. “It seems cool I guess. The APA recommended it, and they know everything.”
In the spirit of Unwellness Week, Wednesday will entail another campus-wide Zoom meeting. Anyone with an AU email is required to log on and share their most recent accomplishment. If it’s anything other than a prestigious internship or fully funded grad school offer, everyone must unmute to offer a condescending pleasantry.
On Thursday, students are encouraged to go outside and take a walk. No guidance has yet been given for faculty.
Friday’s activity returns us to the “wellness” aspect of unwellness week. Each student and ¾ of faculty will be mailed a packet of CVS or Walgreens brand Emergen-C and encouraged to log onto Zoom at 3:00 PM Eastern Time to snort a line of Emergen-C using their useless U-Passes. “We want to see you do the kind of bump you wish your GPA would do,” the email instructions read. Is this activity crossing a line? Probably, but who’s to say--our president did run Health and Human Services under Obama!
“I think I speak for all of us when I say we are burned out,” a member of the Board of Trustees revealed to me over the phone Monday. This member asked to remain anonymous, but I can reveal that they are paid the equivalent of 8 semesters of AU’s tuition a year to write a $10,000 check to the Founders Ball committee each week. “We hope this update helps the community through these trying, unprecedented times.”