American University Admin to Unveil New COVID-19 Regulations in Light of KN-95 “Oopsie”

by Maria Russinovich

After the completely unexpected discovery that the KN-95 masks which had been handed out during the first week of in-person school were counterfeit, the American University Administration has unveiled new COVID-19 regulations. The Rival American spoke with a member of staff who requests to remain anonymous, (but whose name rhymes with Flawed D. Beagle,) who shared with us the list of new regulations:

  1. Professors are now required to sneeze directly into students’ mouths

    • Professors cannot sneeze in the same student’s mouth more than once per class, so as to ensure “no picking favesies.”

  2. In addition to the existing rule of no drinking or eating allowed in classrooms, students and faculty are now only allowed 10 breaths per class

    • As the one exception to this rule, students will be permitted to remove their masks in order to hit dab pens in the bathroom during “mask breaks.”

  3. COVID testing is being expanded to include testing on TDR food

    • The University expects these tests to fail. To supplement missing food items, the AU Sustainability club will harvest worms that come out during rainstorms for a nutritious and protein-rich addition to the TDR menu.

  4. While testing frequency for students living on campus will remain the same, daily mandatory testing is now required for all Business majors

    • Testing staff have been instructed to shove nasal swabs “extra deep” into the noses of students who have ever worn a suit to class, bragged about their Goldman Sachs internship, or offered to get you “the good stuff.”

  5. Masks are no longer required at Men’s Basketball games

    • Sylvia Burwell has been whispering manifestations to herself so that COVID does not exist in Bender Arena, along with placing burning sage on backboards so as to ward away “bad vibes.”

These changes are planned to take effect the week after Spring Break so as to maximize COVID safety when students return to campus after their well-earned vacations to places like the Metaverse or Freddy Fazbear’s Mega Pizzaplex.

CampusMaria Russinovich