Confused Students Across Campus Struggle to Comprehend That Professors Have Feet
by Emmy Goyette
The start of the semester has posed plenty of unique challenges for AU’s faculty and students, many of whom haven’t set foot on campus for almost two years. Students this week have had to navigate the dizzying return to DC, reorienting themselves with TDR’s “food”, grueling waits for the Wonk bus sound tracked by Kogod students talking about cryptocurrency, and remembering that a lot of freshman are taller than you and that it’s unbelievably humiliating.
For AU students, the most shocking of these adjustments has been the recalibration of the fact that professors are real people, and particularly are people who have... feet. For some reason, students have been unable to get past the fact that, out of all body parts that were not previously visible on zoom calls, professors continue to have feet.
When reached out to for comments, one student said “I don’t know. I guess it’s just really fucked up. Like, what the fuck is that about? I don’t want to think about my Econ professor getting ready by putting on one sock and one shoe at a time like the rest of us.”
“I was really excited about it,” said another student, sweating profusely at the idea of toes. “No particular reason.”
Other students have echoed the confusion, and shockwaves have even been felt by new students. One freshman who had forgotten that their high school teachers had feet and genuinely didn't expect college professors to also have feet spoke to The Rival about their personal experience, saying “Yeah, during online classes it was really hard to remember that my professors were real people, and like, physically existed in the same plane of existence outside of my computer. It’s really jarring to now realize that not only are they real people, but they’re real people who have to shop for socks and shoes to cover their feet, one sock and one shoe at a time. These days, I prefer to confront the existence of people outside of myself strictly from the neck up, so it’s just honestly been really weird to deal with.”
As American is a campus that fosters debate and discourse, we at The Rival also wanted to reach out to students on the opposite side of the coin. Campus refers to them as the “foot-deniers,” but they refer to themselves as the “foot-truthers.”
“I’ve only seen my professors 'feet’ in shoes, so I’m just having some trouble believing that they exist,” says one denier. “Why would I believe in something I can’t see? I’m in a couple Facebook groups on the topic, so I will certainly continue to do my own research into the matter.”
This is a developing story which will be periodically updated as students continue their transition back into the semester and learn that not only do professors have feet, but are also fully corporeal and shorter than the freshmen.