Breaking News: Student Who Joked That They Were “All Out of Shits to Give” Disappointed To Find They Are Not

by Natalie Peek

Local student Aspen Chard realized that they were, unfortunately, not out of shits to give. After years of joking that they had “none [shits] left” with friends and acquaintances, now that they have been far away from said friends and acquaintances for a year, realized that they really cared “a whole bunch” for those friends and acquaintances. They wished there was some way to say that they really, really did give a bunch of shits for each and every one of their stupid little heads and would give “just about anything” to hug each and every one of said friends’ dumb necks.

About two years and two months before today, on January 13, 2019, while checking Blackboard, the red notification bubble popped up: “It was 89.9% on my journal. I said I really don’t give a shit, it was a writing exercise about grief and I wrote about my fish Marcel who had since passed.” Directly following this, still in the fog of Marcel’s passing, Chard was disappointed to find that Mary Graydon Center mainstay Einstein Bros. Bagels was “all out of lox for the third day in a row.” Since then, when misfortunes would cross their path, the refrain would be, “I have no shits left to give. LaMAO (sic).”

After being away from people they would repeat this refrain to for a year, the Chard shared that, “ I’m just really disappointed to find out that I really care and that I really miss everyone,” the student told us, “and that I even cared a lot for those people I would just see in passing every day.”

When we asked what they meant by this, the Chard responded,

“I acted like I didn’t care because I wanted to be cool, but I really care a lot, turns out I have a lot of shits to give. And I just really want everyone I know and encountered to know that, from the bottom of my heart, I really give a shit about you.”