How to Write an Email, as Told by Sylvia Burwell

By Emmy Goyette

STEP ONE

Acquire some children, and something called a Zuzu. When inevitably involving this set of characters in the picturesque narrative you’re sending to your students, make sure not to specify who or what Zuzu is. Expect that every student on campus is, in fact, on a first-name basis with your (dog? cat? bird?) Zuzu. Specify that neither this Zuzu nor the aforementioned children are actually a part of pickleball- in fact, the love of the game is your only respite from the daily trial of interacting with Zuzu. 

STEP TWO

Ponder why you are starting your welcome back message with pickleball. Draw no conclusion.

STEP THREE

Remember how to play tennis (a sport which you have played before).

STEP FOUR

Remember how to play ping pong (a sport which you have played before). 

STEP FIVE

 Provide no other clarity on what the game of pickleball is, or how it is played. Leave everyone guessing. 

STEP SIX

Fail to tie pickleball in with the rest of your email by providing no clarity on how campus life and activities will be looking for students this semester. Just flex on the students that you’ve been having fun outside with your loved ones while most of them have been stuck inside working grueling WFH jobs all summer.

STEP SEVEN

Enjoy your new favorite sport that (presumably) involves a ball and racket. You’ve earned it!