“Wellness week is good, actually,” says Student Whose Classes Got Cancelled

by Row Sullivan

It’s safe to say that Wellness Week hasn’t been the most popular of decisions, but not everyone has had such a negative take on it. 

“OMG, Wellness Week is such a vibe. Like, I don’t know what everyone is complaining about. I am just so well right now,” said Kina Noying, a sophomore in SOC. “I just have so much time now. I can’t wait to like read a book or explore the city or something.”

Reportedly, Noying lucked out when all 5 of her professors decided to cancel her classes for the week against the school’s best wishes. 

“Literally all we do in this class is discuss the readings. What are we supposed to do, watch a movie?” asked one of Noying’s professors, who chose to remain anonymous. According to inside sources, the professor was in fact encouraged to show a movie by the administration, but the most the professor was willing to do was put a link to an optional documentary on Canvas.

However, Noying’s friends when reached for comment seemed exasperated by constant invitations to picnics and hangouts that they couldn’t go to. 

“This girl wants to go to lunch, she wants to play frisbee, she wants to go shopping in Georgetown, and- like ugh- I do too, but I’m stuck in 3 hours of zoom a day because apparently attendance is ‘mandatory.’ And I have a midterm next week,” said Rhea Lity, who also commented that lately, they haven’t been feeling as close to Noying as they used to. “I really feel like I just need to hit her in the face.” 

Despite feeling overwhelmed, one of Lity’s classmates, Nish Full, expressed empathy for the university’s decision. 

“It’s unfortunate. It really is, but it’s for the best. This will surely stop people from traveling, and with the vaccine coming out we can all start getting back to normal in just a couple more weeks. In hindsight, I should have taken more classes with Kina, though,” Full said.  

When reached for comment, the University was too preoccupied, as they were busy helping over 500 freshmen students move-in after traveling from around the country. 

In an earlier pre-written statement, a representative had said, “We don’t really trust our students to be responsible, but what it comes down to is that we really needed the money.”

At the time of the interview, Noying was also unaware that she had a 7-page paper due on Sunday, exactly 10 seconds after Wellness Week is technically over.