True Crime: Looking into the Disappearance of Wonk Cat
By Row Sullivan
It has now been nearly two months since our beloved campus mascot has been seen. We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we can only suspect foul play. Leads are scarce, but we here at The Rival refuse to rest until justice has been served.
Through exhaustive research, interrogation, and a healthy dose of blackmail, we’ve narrowed down our suspects to five potential kidnappers.
5. Literally Any Kogod Student
You know the type. Shows up to class way too formal, willing to make a deal with the devil, often a closeted Republican and actually partnered with the devil. Probably tired of being the butt end of jokes (sorry, not sorry). We don’t think we have to explain this one any further.
4. Kamala Harris
Honestly, this one’s more of a hunch. But think about it, Kamala is everyone’s favorite gaslighter, gatekeeper, girlboss and one of our most prominent neighbors. She totally has the power and moxie to kidnap everybody’s favorite cat. We’re not exactly sure why she would want to do that, but President Burwell is important enough that perhaps there’s some weird sort of beef or something (or worse, they’re in on it together, see #5).
3. Fake George Washington
AU may be a mess, but we know our “friends” down at GW are still jealous. We have a campus, they have a single park bench. We have a sub-par (but mostly loveable) dining hall, they literally only have a food court. We have Clawed, they have a knock-off George Washington. And most importantly, we have Wonk Cat, and they (I’ve been told) have a statue of a hippopotamus. GW has obviously been jealous of us for way too long, and taking Wonk Cat hits us where it hurts the most. Unfortunately, we must consider the possibility that this is an act of war.
2. Clawed Z. Eagle
Is it not suspicious that Clawed has seen an increase in popularity since the disappearance of Wonk Cat? We heard an SPA student report that his approval rating has increased 20 percentage points since the beginning of September, and that’s cause enough for concern. Clawed never thought that AU was big enough for both of them, and was always on the outs with Wonk Cat’s immense popularity. With Clawed now in the limelight, we fear that he may be a prime suspect.
1. Sylvia Burwell
But at the end of the day, this case seems to go all the way to the top, all the way to Sylvia Burwell herself. “Challenge accepted?” What “challenge,” Sylvia? The “challenge” to destroy an albeit cringy, but beloved identity of your school's student body? You can take “Wonk” off the buses, signs, and website, but what do you do about the cat that bears the Wonk name? You get rid of it. The motives are all there: The disappearance of Wonk Cat was an inside job to make us forget who we are as a student body. Along with making us settle for 6 inches at Subway, Sylvia Burwell is our prime suspect and is threatening to tear apart the very fabric of AU as we know it.
We can not stand for this. We will find Wonk Cat, and we will fight to keep Wonks in the news at least every 15 minutes.
UPDATE:
This article was initially written before the recent appearance of “Challenge Accepted Cat,” but it was most definitely this mf’er. His Instagram bio reads “I really like being out at night to eat the rats and replace wonk cat.” Being “out at night” to “replace wonk cat?” You might as well just say you “like going to frat houses” to “forget your problems.”
What’s more, under two of his recent posts Challenge Accepted Cat goes on to write “so many hugs from you all and no more wonk cat 😁,” and brags that he “took @wonkcat.AU’s home.” Challenge Accepted Cat is pressed, and it is telling how much he seems to wish he was Wonk and how much he is rubbing it in that he’s currently here and not her. We’re not convinced it’s possible to sound any guiltier.
We will continue to investigate to determine if there are any other co-conspirators, namely President Burwell whose new ad campaign benefits a little too much from Wonk Cat getting directly replaced, but for now we we warn fellow Wonks to exercise caution in dealing with Challenge Accepted Cat as he remains a potentially dangerous suspect who remains at-large.