American University — The Rival American

AU Students Advocating for “World Peace” Can’t Stop Fighting in Their Own Friend Groups

For these “open-minded” closed-hearted individuals, friends are just like their internships: stepping stones for a greater scheme. The slightest infraction from friend group policy is often totally unforgivable and must be punished, even by so-called prison abolitionists. Maybe I have an idealized view of the past, but I feel like during the Vietnam War, radical politics were about loving human life and connecting with your like-minded peers (and smoking weed). Now, it’s about getting mad at people for hanging out with someone that didn’t say hi to you once.

Campus, Culture, CurrentMatt RomanoFebruary 26, 2024American University, Student Organizations, activism

Most of Us Are Mad

Ask yourself: has the university admin already chosen a side?

Considering the death threat sent to a Palestinian faculty member and how there was not much done to protect Palestinian members of our community after this. Also consider how the admin has rarely mentioned the Palestinian community in their emails, while almost always, the Jewish community was mentioned at least a few times per email. Admin has already chosen a side. A side they cannot say out loud because they’re supposed to be “inclusive.” They even have chosen to reinvent the curriculum of AUx 2, and even getting the FBI involved. Has anything happened? Not that I’m aware of. Previously, it was all about racism and teaching us students at this PWI about what intersectionality is, to a point where we know what it is and it feels like they are covering their asses by saying “we force everyone to take a class that teaches them to be inclusive.”

Campus, Culture, CurrentThe Rival AmericanJanuary 31, 2024Palestine, Israel, Free Speech, American University, protest, activism

Remembering the Class of 2021: A Wonky Highlight Reel

“It’s been a wild ride, Class of 2021, we hope you continue to live your best, Wonkiest lives for all of the years to come.”

BREAKING: President Sylvia Burwell announced AU's new brand campaign "LIKE A BOSS!" to replace the previous WONK campaign launched in 2011

“Mourning students spent hours poring over the email looking for a remembrance, or even mere acknowledgement for the death of the ever-unpopular WONK campaign of years past. But to no avail.”

CampusThe Rival AmericanApril 19, 2021American University, sy, wonk, challenge accepted

If Mamma Mia! Was Badly Produced and Happened in an Alley or, Why We Shouldn’t Hate Cats

Next time you see Mamma Mia!, ask yourself if you would still like it if it took place in the midnight alleyways of London, with a horribly CGI-ed cat Judi Dench singing “Money, Money, Money” instead of Meryl Streep

The Rival AmericanApril 9, 2021mamma mia, cats, American University, musical

Breaking News: Student Who Joked That They Were “All Out of Shits to Give” Disappointed To Find They Are Not

“I acted like I didn’t care because I wanted to be cool, but I really care a lot, turns out I have a lot of shits to give.”

“Wellness week is good, actually,” says Student Whose Classes Got Cancelled

“OMG, Wellness Week is such a vibe. Like, I don’t know what everyone is complaining about. I am just so well right now,” said Kina Noying, a sophomore in SOC. “I just have so much time now. I can’t wait to like read a book or explore the city or something.”

Campus, SatireRow SullivanMarch 15, 2021Wellness Week, sylvia burwell, American University, american

Satan is Hiring!

Satan will be on campus this Saturday showcasing a number of employment opportunities within his multi-national company.

Satire, CampusThe Rival AmericanMarch 11, 2021Satan, satire, lucifer, devil, American University, sylvia burwell

“We Hear You!” Wellness Week Rebrands As Unwellness Week

AU Admin Responds to Community Frustrations and Burnout

Petition to cancel classes during Wellness Week reaches 1,700 signatures

CampusThe Rival AmericanFebruary 26, 2021American University, covid, Wellness Week

You Too Can Be a Changemaker!

Considerations for a graduating senior on being “morally neutral”

CampusThe Rival AmericanFebruary 24, 2021changemaker, American University, The Rival, The rival american, sylvia burwell

Best Movie Scenes to Show You the Do's and Dont's of Covid Safe Sex

In today’s pandemic ridden world dorm hook-ups and Tinder “dates” are risky propositions. At the same time exclusively asking people in your “bubble” to have casual sex apparently leads to a ruined socially distanced outdoor picnic. Who knew?

Sonnet 21421

Another semester, another set of zoom crushes. Who will be the lucky person that inspires you to tell them you will be their spaniel, which Romeo’s zoom window will you throw pebbles at?

Back to Basics: What Even Is American University?

A guide for fog-brained upperclassmen and freshmen who’ve never had a fire alarm

CampusThe Rival AmericanJanuary 19, 2021american, American University, kogod, cryptid

Unconditional Pass/Fail: A Hope for a More Understanding Grading System

Despite 35 student organizations and over 770 students signed on to the petition to allow unconditional pass/fail to no avail, students continue to push for a more understanding system

Freshmen pledges on door duty entrusted to protect the Capitol after police failed

“I’ve been training for this since I was the treehouse bouncer in 4th grade. I wasn’t like allowed to hang out in the treehouse, but I was told it was really fun.”

Current, SatireThe Rival AmericanJanuary 7, 2021Capitol, America, American University, The Rival, Officers, coup, capitol police, freshmen

Sylvia’s Declassified School Survival Guide

CampusThe Rival AmericanDecember 7, 2020sylvia burwell, American University, The rival american, zoom, zoom university, ned's declassified, survival

AU Announces School of Miscommunication

Campus, SatireThe Rival AmericanNovember 17, 2020american, American University, The Rival, The rival american, sylvia burwell, burwell, SOC, SOM, micommunication