Five WTF Things Guys Have Said on Hinge

By Jackie Lamb

It’s no secret that online dating is a dark and scary place. Unlike Tinder, the dating app Hinge presents itself as a solution for people looking for a serious relationship. Despite the good intentions behind the dating platform, many people -- especially straight men -- struggle with communicating on the platform. 

As American University students prepare to return to campus, we look back at five examples of how straight men in the DC area fumbled a seemingly simple introduction on Hinge.

1. First, this whale of a tale.

To be banned from SeaWorld specifically, the notorious theme park which former trainer John Hargrove accused of inhumane killer whale captivity practices in the 2013 documentary Blackfish, raises so many red flags. What type of offense do you have to commit to be banned from a place that commits crimes against wildlife on a daily basis?*

*Points back if he’s banned for trying to free the whales.

2. An infectious person(ality)

In a survey conducted by the Captain Obvious Research Group, 100% of straight women reported that they do not find infections “cause for attraction” in a man. Not to mention we’re still in a pandemic due to a deadly virus.

3. Torturous travel plans

The first time I read this, I laughed, thinking it was just someone who had completed a hillternship.

Then I wondered, What if it’s not a joke?

4. Unnecessary TMI

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If you need me to explain why this one is on the list, we’ve got a problem. Let’s just say that honesty isn’t the best policy in this case.

(Nothing wrong with having IBS, God gives his hottest soldiers stomach problems, but maybe don’t share right off the bat).

5. And then the not-so-humble brag

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While this statement may endear you to the likes of Eric and Don Jr., it’s not a winning strategy when it comes to dating apps. People on Hinge want to know who you really are instead of reading a superficial profile. A more effective strategy would be to highlight some of your favorite hobbies, the last movie you saw, or your favorite place on campus.

Before the semester starts, here’s to hoping that male students at AU will finally master the art of a dating introduction.

Do you have a dating app horror story you’d like to share? Contact therivalamerican@gmail.com.  




Campus, SatireJackie Lamb