Freshmen pledges on door duty entrusted to protect the Capitol after police failed

“I’ve been training for this since I was the treehouse bouncer in 4th grade. I wasn’t like allowed to hang out in the treehouse, but I was told it was really fun.”

Current, SatireThe Rival AmericanJanuary 7, 2021Capitol, America, American University, The Rival, Officers, coup, capitol police, freshmen

AU Announces School of Miscommunication

Campus, SatireThe Rival AmericanNovember 17, 2020american, American University, The Rival, The rival american, sylvia burwell, burwell, SOC, SOM, micommunication

Professor Emails Students: “I see you, I hear you, your paper is still due by 11:59pm Friday”

Satire, CampusThe Rival AmericanOctober 2, 2020

‘Here For a Good Time Not a Long Time,’ AU Announces Plan for Fall Semester

Satire, CurrentThe Rival AmericanJune 16, 2020

AU Student Body Descends Into Chaos as Local CVS Runs Out of Adderall

Campus, SatireThe Rival AmericanMarch 3, 2020

Mike Bloomberg Purchases Wonk of the Year Title to Better Appeal to the Youths

Campus, SatireThe Rival AmericanFebruary 28, 2020

‘We Are Doing Everything We Can To Stop These Incidents’ Says Administration of School Where These Incidents Happen Several Times a Year

Campus, SatireThe Rival AmericanFebruary 21, 2020

AU Alumni Made a Book to Help Male Freshman Get Laid; “I’ve Had Sex 8000 Times and You Can Too”

Satire, CurrentThe Rival AmericanFebruary 12, 2020

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Remembering Deepwater Horizon: A Marksist Proposal

Satire, CultureThe Rival AmericanDecember 5, 2019

Wonk's Family Claims Child Has Only Solution to World Peace at Thanksgiving Dinner

Campus, SatireThe Rival AmericanNovember 25, 2019

AU Replaces Mental Health Services with Full Time Farmers Market

Kayleigh Thompson writes on the latest change in American University’s Counseling Center - not having one.

Satire, CampusThe Rival AmericanNovember 6, 2019Satire

Creature Haunts Freshman Dorms To Learn His Terror is Low Tier

Ali Shafi reports on the latest parasitic development on this campus that's somehow unrelated to all the others

Campus, SatireThe Rival AmericanNovember 1, 2019Shriek Week

Breaking News: Burwell’s Sinister Holes Plot Uncovered

Olivia McCormack’s reporting uncovers Sylvia Burwell’s latest scandal

Satire, CampusThe Rival AmericanSeptember 30, 2019

New Smoothie Stop Wishes Students Would Stop Asking For Bagels

Kayleigh Thompson reviews one of Chartwell’s newest dining establishments on campus - if you count funky millennial trends as “dining”.

Campus, SatireThe Rival AmericanSeptember 17, 2019Campus, Review

Looking to appeal to the “Zoomer” Generation, AU adds Majors in Fortnite and Fidget Spinning

Lucas Trevor reports on American University’s newest major created in attempts to appeal to the incoming Zoomer class.

Campus, SatireThe Rival AmericanSeptember 13, 2019Satire

Citing Need For Community Building, AU Tears Up Quad Again

AU has plans to tear up the quad again, citing it as a way to band campus together.

Satire, CampusThe Rival AmericanApril 11, 2019Campus

Student Government Elections Come to Close, Campus Erupts into Business as Usual

Satire, CampusThe Rival AmericanMarch 27, 2019Satire, AUSG

Do You Think Doing Esports Makes You Cool?

SatireThe Rival AmericanMarch 21, 2019Sports Week, sports