‘Here For a Good Time Not a Long Time,’ AU Announces Plan for Fall Semester
by Bennett Nuss and Lucas Trevor
In an email sent out Tuesday morning titled ‘Here For A Good Time Not a Long Time,’ American University outlined their plans for the upcoming semester.
“After many exhausting minutes of deliberation, we have determined that it is in the best interests of the student body to just kind of like, vibe, and really explore the space for the fall,” the statement continued, “also could everyone stop yelling so much? Like I get you’re worried about your safety or whatever, but it’s getting a little much, and totally ruining the trip.”
President Burwell followed the statement with an equally inauthentic personal message, “I care, I want to SCREAM with how much I care. I truly hope that all of our students have a healthy and non-lethal semester, because too many of you dying would really hurt our profit margins.”
While some specifics of the new semester are still up in the air, a number of points were outlined, specifically some guidelines for the student body to follow. These include...
No more full mouth water fountain drinks
Free Lifestyle facemasks available in all residence halls
All TDR ‘food’ will be sprayed with additional rubbing alcohol prior to serving
Students are discouraged from huddling in those weird four to seven person semi-circles following class (this is not for health reasons, but because it’s fucking weird)
Students are also having to cope with the upcoming changes in their personal lives caused by the pandemic.
Zach Chaddington, a representative of the Panhellenic Council, stated that Greek life activities would continue as planned in the fall semester. “Don’t worry, all of Greek Life is committed to fitting a semester’s worth of disappointment and hazing into just 8 weeks.” A few minutes later Chaddington added, “just to be clear we do not haze at Sigma Apple Pi.”
The full student reaction to the announcement is mixed. While some students are frustrated in the lack of a traditional school year, an anonymous sophomore stated, “at least my parents won’t be taking out a second mortgage for a series of heavily lagged Zoom classes.”