AU Alumni Made a Book to Help Male Freshman Get Laid; “I’ve Had Sex 8000 Times and You Can Too”

by Katy Zottoli

America’s most profitable hallmark holiday is coming up, and like your high school boyfriend it's coming fast. Luckily, Valentine’s Day this year won’t be another somber Friday night in. In his new book, “I’ve Had Sex 8000 Times and You Can Too,” American University Alum Tanner Fatherson offers tips and tricks that will guarantee a night of intimate sweaty memories in a Twin XL bed. In its 120 pages, Fatherson outlines everything from online dating photos to what bedroom decorations will help you seal the deal.

The first thing your “potential mate” is going to see is your dating profile. Whether you’re on Tinder, Bumble or Hinge, the most important part of your profile is your picture.  Tanners key advice is pretty simple. “There are only three photos that you need to secure your date. The first one obviously being a picture of you fishing.” Tanner, hailing from sunny Martha’s Vineyard, is no stranger to the average fishing rod and believes that fishing is, “the quickest way to a female's heart.” 

Once you have them hooked, the second photo should be you and a baby. “Female’s love babies,” Fatherson said in a quote. This photo should be paired with the Tinder bio,  “That is not my baby.” This can be true, or not. The logistics of the baby's father do not matter. The intention of this Tinder date is not to “wife up this chick” but rather “nail” her. 

The last and final photo should be an image of you and your most attractive female friends. Hopefully this picture will be at a party of sorts, to inform your future date that you both have hot friends that you could totally hook up with, and that you’re “fun.” Tanner guarantees that with these photos you can secure any date you want!

Once you got a match, the next step to make sure you “secure the bag” is by sending her a really clever pickup line. Tanner suggests a line like: “Do you have breathing problems? Cause you got ass ma,” or a simple, “Sit on my face.” 

Now that she’s hooked, the question becomes, where to take her? Well, according to Fatherson, Tenleytown is one of the most ROMANTIC neighborhoods in DC. “Those intimate walks in the alleyways next to Wawa and Panera really set the mood.”

Once you’re there, Tanner suggests bringing your “boo” to Chick-fil-a. This fast food joint gives the subtle hint that you’re somewhat of a foodie, are fine with light homophobia, and here for a good time. This causal dinner will let your lady know that you like a quick cheap time, filled with pleasurable bites. The Chick-fil-a will also act as a sneak peek into what's to come; it’s fine once it goes down, but 15 minutes later, you’re probably going to feel bad about yourself. 

Finally, all of your time and effort will be fulfilled. However, there is one make or break moment that could lead you away from “Hanging and Banging” towards being left with some major “blue balls.” This is decor in your room. Tanner highly suggests when having a girl over for some “special wrestling” you have your room be a complete mess. This is essential. He suggests this because, “your girl needs to know that you are completely incapable of picking up after yourself, and may even feel bad for you.” This is important because sympathy is a great tool for picking up babes. 

However, some important decor you should always have is A) a Trump flag over your bed. Nothing is sexier is seeing a Trump flag swaging in the light illuminating from the LA quad. Another good piece of decor is B) empty alcohol bottles. This makes you look really cool. Women think it's really good when you binge drink on the weekends and flaunt about it. Both of these things combined with two weeks of dirty laundry collected on the floor, will guarantee a night you’ll probably forget.  

Tanner, being the most eligible bachelor in the DMV area, knows a thing or two about a thing or two. Coming from a woman, I can vouch that all of this advice will help you, a straight male at AU, get down and dirty with any of the females on campus. Heed his advice, and I’m sure you won't be lonely this Valentine's Day.