AU Announces School of Miscommunication
by Noah Cohen
In these uncertain times, construction at American University has remained a constant. After construction finished on the Hall of Science, students collectively wondered: what's next? On Monday, American University answered, unveiling its latest project: The Burwell School of Miscommunication.
This brand new school at AU will feature a novel curriculum, offering students the chance to learn the subtle art of dodging important questions by giving ambiguous answers shrouded in endlessly interpretable vocabulary.
"The School of Miscommunication will inspire trailblazing excellency, making the community more open and also more closed", said Sylvia Burwell. When asked to expand on her statement, Burwell replied: “I’ll have a more comprehensive answer in the coming weeks. And a different answer after that.”
The Rival American was given an exclusive chance to review the sample course catalogue. Here are our findings.
The School of Miscommunication will introduce a host of new classes, open to SOM students and as electives, though it is unclear whether the classes will count for credit, or if they will be offered at all. Students in the school will be required to take 40 credits of major classes to complete their degree, though the 40 is followed by an asterisk, and the asterisk by a second asterisk. Redirected to the bottom of the catalogue, the asterisk advised us to look at the top, where the second asterisk directed us once again to the bottom. Written in invisible ink halfway down the paper (revealed only when a frustrated staff member urinated on the catalogue) was the legend for these symbols: “Number is subject to change, but will always remain indivisible by three.” As three credits is the value of a standard class, this makes all SOM major degrees impossible to complete without going under or over the requirement.
Among the many classes possibly offered by the SOM is a brand new 100-600 level course exploring the works of Franz Kafka. Eagle Service lists the professor only as “P”, an unplaceable adjunct who is considered for tenure every year, only to be terminated and rehired a day before the committee’s decision. Other courses include “Too Late Crisis Management”, “Making Breakable Promises”, and “Microeconomics.”
Ground will be broken on the new building in February, August, September or May. Commenting on when construction is due to end, one administrative official said, “No.”
Space is limited on AU’s campus, raising questions about the proposed location of the SOM. According to Burwell, the building is planned somewhere between Anderson and Katzen, south of a funny-looking tree branch, and over a potentially deadly cache of World War One-era chemical weapons.
"There's a good chance this new building will overlap with an existing building”, said Burwell. “Probably SOC— we already grossly miscommunicate employment opportunities to those students.” According to a press release, the famed late artist M.C. Escher is set to design the building. His previous designs were already the basis for Battelle.