Freshmen pledges on door duty entrusted to protect the Capitol after police failed
By: Olivia McCormack
Trained para-military Capitol Hill police officers were overrun yesterday by a gaggle of middle-aged white people who did not get their flu shots for fear they would be microchipped.
These angry super-spreaders waltzed into the Capitol building, careful to follow the red ropes provided for guests, and enjoyed their lazy afternoon coup. Capitol police were like that one chick in Hamilton, Helpless (I have not seen the musical, so I only vaguely think this reference works. I assume she was actually perfectly in her power to not be not Helpless but thought the guy was pretty cool).
Terrorists have already taken over the Capitol once, and only one group of untrained white men can help in the future. 18-year-old boys who are slightly high and were trained by John to only let girls who are an 8 or above into the party.
Door duty is a sacred hazing practice, created so only hot girls are awarded the privilege to get drunk with older fraternity brothers. These watchmen must guard a door that has never been locked and is most likely secured with some sort of plywood from when someone punched through the glass.
Armed with only a Juul and a Google doc of misspelled names, these Patriots managed to keep the peace in the most perilous of times (Halloweekend). The national guard did not come to the aid of the Capitol, so Mayor Bowser is calling on these heroes to rise to the occasion for any future violence.
Kerwan, a member of the disbanded Delta Iota Kappa chapter, is excited for the challenge.
Lazily swiping through Bumble he explained, “I don’t particularly care about “democracy” or “racism” but I’m excited to extend my power trip from the American University chapter of DIK to the steps of the US Capitol.” he continues “Did I vote for Donald Trump? No, I don’t vote. But I did put “stop the steal” on an Instagram photo so Chloe from young Republicans would let me hit it. So yeah, you could say I’m politically involved. ”
This junior business major has been missing the connection that comes with door duty since his chapter was shut down for hazing, accusations of sexual violence, racist Snapchat groups, and misogynistic Among Us chats.
Kerwan muses, “I’ve been training for this since I was the treehouse bouncer in 4th grade. I wasn’t like allowed to hang out in the treehouse, but I was told it was really fun.”
When asked for comment on the new policy Mayor Bowser said, “This city still has full confidence in our DC police force. The events of yesterday do not change that. We just don’t fully trust them not to be nice to Nazis.”