Breaking News: Burwell’s Sinister Holes Plot Uncovered


by Olivia McCormack

While students at The American University were double fisting white claws and having a hot intern summer, Sylvia Burwell was recreating Shia Labeouf’s best work to date, Holes. Like every Zoomer, she decided to base her life plan around a Disney Channel original movie. 

If you thought that AU was tearing up our campus to build a science building, you would be wrong. The poorly thought out lie (I mean who comes to AU for science?) has been uncovered by investigators at The Rival American. The projects are actually to satiate Sylvia Burwell’s bloodlust to discover artifacts on the campus in the hopes of being able to draw in new students with a historical site status.

Burwell and her underling, the WONK cat, have been marketing this as a competitive opportunity to turn students' lives around. Little do students know that this project is much like everything at AU: all show and no substance. 

To complete the project Burwell is corralling students who don’t have at least one internship on top of a full class load. She says this will build character and work ethic since these individuals clearly do not have enough on their own.

Stanley Yelnats V, AU sophomore majoring in CLEG, had this to say about this project: “Ya I think this will look great on my resume. Between interning with my congressman and a community development internship with the president of AU I should be able to get a soul crushing job working on the hill in no time! And if that’s not what AU prepares you for I’m not sure what we’re all doing here.” 

Burwell lives in her air conditioned home with plentiful meals While the “students” are stuffed into close quarters and forced to eat uncooked pizza and three lettuce leaves flooded with hummus that Pom + Honey considers sustenance. 

Burwell was unable to get the yellow bellied lizards accustomed to DC’s swampy climate before the start of school. To rectify this setback Burwell has infested the campus with bees. While similar in color to their lizard companions, they also assist in perfecting the terrifying ambiance the Burwell wanted to cultivate. These garbage dwellers have the added bonus of being unkillable, as no one wants to lower the bees already dwindling population #savethebees #butfuckthesenarcbees. 

Clawed Z Eagle ran away after standing up to the enforcer of the project, the class traitor WONK cat. He was found days later in an overturned WONK bus, having only survived on subway sandwiches and melted F’reals left by drunk passengers. 

This curse, like most curses, is our own fault. General Ward placed this curse on AU when we disrespected his memory by changing his building to “Kerwin”. Not only is Kerwin a dumb name for a building, but we’ve also disrespected a ghost. Thanks a lot, Board of Directors. 

We can only hope that Burwell’s reign of terror will end with the breaking of the curse, but as we’re all cursed to be on this campus it seems unlikely. 

Satire, CampusThe Rival American