Creature Haunts Freshman Dorms To Learn His Terror is Low Tier
by Ali Shafi
Reports are coming out of a ‘Frankenstein-esque creature’ gaining sentience and roaming the whiteboard and rotting pumpkin decorated halls of Letts and Anderson. Student reports say that the creature ‘made low growling noises’ as it coalesced into a large humanoid figure. Made of liquid mold, many fear the creature was formed by a freakish accident concerning American University being a physical (and metaphorical) chemical waste dump, and the ignored black mold growth in the dorms.
The monster then began its terror of freshman students, seeping into the walls and oozing onto their beds as they slept. One student woke up from his depression nap before his two separate shifts at two separate jobs only to find his roommate being slowly enveloped by the mass. As the mold taunted his roommate with unintelligible screeches and rapid twitching, the student gave a low energy shrug, sent a tweet, and was silenced for good. The black mold spat out the remains - a whole skeleton and a few half-digested organs. When asked about his dead friend, the roommate said, “wait so does this mean I get an automatic 4.0?”
The monster continued to eat the remains of students, growing more and more communicative over time. After an incident where the mold slithered around the communal bathrooms, the mold realized that students weren’t even coming into the bathroom to see the horror. Evidently, students had stopped going to the bathrooms in general once the toilets remained clogged and the water was still at freezing temperatures. One student responded with, “Honestly, somehow the lifeless rotting body in the shower made that place more appealing.”
Once the black mold gained full sentience, it moved onto the rest of the campus. That attempt ruled futile after the Davenport Coffee Lounge was too crowded to even move in and the uprooted Quad was enough of a labyrinth to confuse any abomination of nature from mold to whatever the “hummus” at Pom and Honey actually is. Students across campus shoulder bumped passed the fully upright Black Mold as they rushed to their 8:10 with 3 hours of sleep in their system and a cigarette to keep their energy up.
“I mean I can check my Google calendar, but I don’t have time to be eaten by you,” reported a senior SIS Major, “I’m already late for my unpaid 25-hour a week internship.” The Black Mold, once gaining a full grasp of the English lexicon, sat down with The Rival American to discuss the recent developments. “I have literally eaten a fifth of this campus’ population and am currently vomiting the insides of people’s best friends and no one has said a word.” Black Mold lamented that the University seemed to busy dealing with all its mistakes to address him. “I’m busting my rotted ass here trying to get a rile out of these kids, but nothing seems to get through. They‘re more concerned with crippling student debt, and the inevitability of climate disaster to care about me, and it’s honestly rude. ”
Black Mold, in a last attempt to find a space on this campus, wandered into MGC to find guidance. He was turned away from the counseling center on account of their twelve-year backlog and kept going until he found a space that accepted him. Luckily, Black Mold found the perfect place for a lifeless, vacuous organism that serves no purpose but to annoy students and drain them of their energy. Please consider voting for him for our AUSG president.
