Citing Need For Community Building, AU Tears Up Quad Again


by Jacob Wallace

WASHINGTON, DC -- Citing a need for additional community-building on campus, American University has decided to tear up the quad for the fourth consecutive year, effective immediately.

In a statement to The Rival, Groundskeeper Rubeus Thistlewaite said administration determined that additional construction could give students a chance to bond with one another.

“We know that many students struggle to relate to this university because of the lack of a football team, multicultural student center or adequate housing,” Thistlewaite said. “However, we think renovating the quad again is the best way to bring this campus together.”  

The construction is expected to start at one end of the quad, where workers will slowly remove every single brick and chip of mortar from the sidewalk before carefully re-laying them down exactly where they were before.

Student reactions have ranged from absolute loathing to a characteristic indifference.

“We have a quad?” senior Tammy Givens said.

One enterprising Kogod student has already found a way to capitalize on the sudden spike of interest in quad real estate.

By staking out a large portion of the quad near Kay Spiritual Life Center, sophomore Timothy Belfort (no relation) has begun to earn money selling access to what he calls “Quad VIP.”

“AU has provided me with a lot of great opportunities, and that includes the opportunity to profit off of the pain my neighbors feel,” Belfort said.

Six-by-six foot plots of freshly laid grass on Belfort’s property cost $20 USD, $25 EagleBucks or $30 Dining Dollars per hour. Amenities include hand-delivered Subway footlongs and fermented drink syrups pilfered from the long-shuttered MegaBytes cafe.

Thistlewaite acknowledged that the money spent tearing up the quad could have been spent instead on improving other long-neglected community spaces such as Leonard Hall, but argues the effects of such alternative improvements wouldn’t have been felt nearly as quickly.

“We hope that the collective misery that tearing up the quad creates will bring everyone on campus closer together,” Thistlewaite said.

According to the University, the quad renovation should be done sometime in spring of 2020, at which time the university will immediately begin searching for new grounds to plunder.