Sylvia’s Declassified School Survival Guide

by Julia Ford

With finals quickly approaching, we’ve come up with some tips on how to get through the home stretch of the online semester. 

TIP #1: At this point in the semester, there’s no excuses for accidentally leaving your mic on. We don’t want to hear you talk to your mom. Please don’t subject us to hearing your heavy breathing.

TIP #2: If you’re doing a virtual background, do something cool like Uncle Iroh’s tea shop from Avatar. If you have your background as some congressional building, EVERYONE will hate you. Pack it up, Hilltern.

TIP #3: We all get distracted in zoom class, but two essentials can ensure your lack of attention will go unnoticed by your professor: nod every five or so minutes, and when the screen switches from screen sharing to gallery view, toss up a clapping or thumbs up emoji.

TIP #4: At the end of class, if the professor asks if anyone has questions, please, for the love of God, do not ask a question. There are office hours for a reason. Please don’t make everyone stay on zoom longer than we need to.

TIP #5: All of us are in desperate need of serotonin. If you have a pet, and they are within 15 feet of you during class, you have an obligation to show us. Please.

TIP #6: If you’re in your childhood bedroom, you might want to try sitting in front of a blank wall so your classmates don’t see your posters from your tumblr angsty phase.

TIP #7: It is absolutely acceptable to eat during class. It is your god-given right to make breakfast during your morning lecture. But, make sure you shut your camera off when you’re taking bites. We can see you chewing with your mouth open.

TIP #8: If you’re looking to make up participation points, at the end of class, shout out a really enthusiastic, “Thank you, Professor!” Trust me, they’ll eat that up.

TIP #9: It’s a good idea to invest in some blue light glasses since you’re spending so much time on your computer. But, be careful during class. Most glasses show a very clear restriction, and you don’t want your professor knowing you’re shitposting about them on Twitter.

TIP #10: When in doubt, pass/fail your class. Don’t let the competitive wonk culture shame you-- we’re in the middle of a pandemic. It’s okay if you fail your 200-level econ course.

Happy finals season!