Back to Basics: What Even Is American University?
by Talia Marshall
As we prepare to begin another virtual semester, many of us have forgotten exactly why we chose to attend a school whose colors are laughably red, white, and blue. Once a week (or twice if we’re lucky), we open our email inboxes and are reminded to be safe and be well as we clock our fourth hour of zoom for the day.
American University is a school, I think. At least, I have a transcript that says I went to classes there. There is a library with a silent floor and at least one vending machine. Apparently, it was chartered by an act of congress, but that also sounds like something one of the future Hillterns would have made up, so we can’t really trust that page on the website.
The dining hall is in a basement, but they call it a terrace so we can pretend it’s not. You can also use your Eagle Bucks to buy a Wonk Burger. The two student-run coffee shops, the Dav and Bridge, have a rivalry. Everyone knows that the best coffee is actually found at East Campus Coffee though--their beans are grown on the roof of MGC.
The campus is an arboretum and quite pretty when it’s in bloom. If you look closely, everything sparkles, until you realize it’s all just figments of some wild wonk’s imagination.
If you tell someone you are studying math or science they will laugh. If you admit to being a business major the person next to you will move their seat a slight inch away from you. The political science students assume they will become president as soon as they turn 35. The International Relations students don’t want you to know what they do on their vacations. The Communications students really do want you to know what they do on their vacations. Everyone else pretends to ignore the ravens that circle the business school ominously, waiting.
You can ride the Wonk Bus to the metro. If you are lucky, you will get a seat. If you are luckier, the best Wonk Bus Driver will teach the riders how to stand back to back for maximum Wonk Carrying Capacity. These days, the buses circle campus, empty.
There are dorms that people live in. One of them usually has rats, which creates a false hierarchy, because at least three of them are connected to each other. The rats are taking over now anyway. The Letts-Anderson quad is plastered with tiny posters for their upcoming election: ”Please sign my petition to be on the ballot!” “My resume needs this!” “I’ll listen to my peers!” “Real change is coming!”
On weekends, the campus is empty because everyone goes to the White House to participate in a time-honored tradition--attempting to scale the fence. Many students have perished in their endeavors. Only one student has successfully scaled the fence and made it back--his name was Clawed Zimmerman. Unfortunately, he was only able to make it back by turning into an Eagle. He changed his name to Clawed Z. Eagle and has been the mascot ever since.
Though no date has been set for the return to campus yet, sometimes, if you stand on the quad and listen really closely, you can hear echoes of The Finals Scream.
