Best Movie Scenes to Show You the Do's and Dont's of Covid Safe Sex

by Trent Szczucki

In today’s pandemic ridden world dorm hook-ups and Tinder “dates” are risky propositions. At the same time exclusively asking people in your “bubble” to have casual sex apparently leads to a ruined socially distanced outdoor picnic. Who knew?

Thankfully for those of you who still want to “get it on” but want to stay safe at the same time, multiple films exist that provide ample examples of COVID-19-safe coitus, alongside some spectacular failures. The following films were ranked via a highly scientific and legitimate Covid Safe Sex Scale (CSSS), the 100% peer-reviewed and Sylvia-approved measurement.

Watchmen

While sex between Silk Spectre and the giant glowing blue dong that is Dr. Manhattan may appear to be safe, many issues become apparent after multiple painfully long, fugue state inducing viewings. For sure, a low dosage of ionizing radiation can kill viruses, but the problems outweigh the positives. First of which is Dr. Manhattan triplicating himself increases the number of people in the very small and likely unventilated room. More irresponsibly, however, is Silk Spectre’s actions. Not only does she allow Rorschach to enter her home, but right after the attempted sex with three Dr. Manhattan’s, she immediately goes and eats a high-end meal with a friend. Indoor dining +crowded rooms +no social distancing = complete destruction of a bubble. 0 out of 10 on the CSSS.

Eyes Wide Shut

The massive orgy scene in the film obviously provides huge COVID-19 risks with social distancing and whatnot. However, everyone there is incredibly rich, so they all have likely already stolen a dose for the vaccine from some essential worker. Plus, they are wearing masks. Granted, not the best masks, but still masks! 2 out of 10 on the CSSS.

Avatar

While medical journals have yet to make a ruling on whether the Na'vi can contract Covid-19, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Thus the Jake and Neytiri “mating” scene shows them making smart choices. Yes, they are kissing, but it is not even Jake’s real body, so he’s not risking infecting the Na’vi with COVID-19 through his bad decisions. Plus mating exclusively through connecting their weird hair-like tendrils from their ponytails helps negate the risk of STDs. 5 out of 10 on the CSSS.

Passengers

In space, no one can hear you scream, or orgasm for that matter. Even better, Jennifer Lawrence’s and Chris Patt’s characters are completely isolated from any other human beings, thus allowing them to not only avoid any form of COVID-19 exposure, but it prevents them from being asymptomatic carriers. In addition, the huge size of the ship allows them to socially distance themselves later in the film when Jennifer Lawrence ends up hating Chris Pratt for being a stalker and a creep. A win-win in any situation. 8 out of 10 on the CSSS

Naked Gun

I mean, they are giant full-body condoms. It’s hard to get much safer than that while still being human. The only issue is that they were not wearing them the entire time that they were together, nor were they social isolating before or after. 9.5 out of 10

Ghost

The famous scene between Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore is a wonderful example of COVID-19 safe sex. If you or your partner are worried about the potential infection, just be murdered in a mugging-gone-bad and become a sexy ghost... Perfect for minimizing human contact. Pottery is also a good hobby to take up while quarantining, even better if it’s sexy ghost pottery. 10 out of 10 on the CSSS.

Her

Theodore Twombly may be an incredibly sad and emotionally starved man, but his sexual undertakings are extremely COVID-19 conscious. Having phone sex with another person is already a 10 out of 10 on the CSSS, but Theodore goes even further in the name of safety by simply removing the other person entirely., Theodore instead opts for virtual sex with his Scarlet Johansson voiced AI assistant Samantha. 100+ out of 10 on the CSSS.

As this pandemic gets worse and worse with each passing day, and you try to fill the gaping hole of existential dread in your life with meaningless sex, try to emulate Naked Gun or Her. Definitely don’t emulate Ghost, and especially don’t try Watchmen or Avatar. Nobody looks good in blue body paint.