Calling out all the Jordan Belfort wannabes and control-freak politicians
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“We understand why people dislike AU for certain reasons, we do too, but I don’t think that lack of support should reflect onto our athletics. Our athletes and teams need support from the community, and they are fun games to watch! And I’m not talking just about [only] men's basketball, literally every sport”
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We heard AI was coming for our jobs, so we set out to see how concerned we should be. We gave Chat GPT the prompt “Write a 500 word satirical article about American University. Include main characters Sylvia Burwell, Clawed Z Eagle, and Wonk Cat. Make the story take place in The Bridge Cafe and be sure to make the story humorous,” and had it write and this article for us. The cover image was generated through NightCafe, an AI imaging software, with the prompt “Sylvia Burwell and Clawed Z Eagle.”
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The “Abolish-AUSG” Senator-elect Chandler Eby received an email at 1 AM on Friday notifying him that the AUSG judicial board secretly voted 3-1 that he was unfit for office.
TW: rape, blood, bodily fluids, dark themes
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Let me be clear, this isn’t something I get paid for, or that I do because it’s fun, or because I believe there’s a level of political gain. Anyone who has any knowledge of survivorship or sexual violence can tell you that speaking out about it scares people in power. They can also tell you that survivors and those who advocate for them are forced out of political and social arenas as well. But I do this work because I want to help people.
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a poem. TW: sexual assault and dark themes
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Until this day, he had never questioned his staunch belief in the importance of masks. Now, poor Toby was overcome with a wave of fear as he looked out into a crowd of blonde, converse-wearing, Kramer’s tote bag-carrying, jean-flaring, crystal necklace-bearing, she/her’s and she/they’s of American University. He didn’t even know if she had a septum piercing. Any of them could be Jane from his Gov class who he had asked out to coffee
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Does this prove life after death? Students at American University have reported sightings of a spirit haunting their campus- specifically the places where students leave the electric scooters some use to get from one place to another.
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Have you ever wished you could give someone the fright of their life on Halloween night, but your wardrobe is just not up to par? Never fear! I have taken the liberty of listing 7 terrifying conversion starters you can use to ensure no one will talk to you for the rest of the night.
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In order to help out all of the wonderfully slutty wonks of this campus, I've compiled a list of costumes that are both slutty and show school spirit. Who isn’t proud to be a wonk? Actually, don’t answer that question.
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We are pleased to report that AUSG has officially endorsed The Rival, an organization that has run articles telling AUSG to “just have an orgy like normal people,” as a legitimate news source.
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I’ve heard about people like the Buddha or Socrates, but I don’t think this guy was in the same league as those figures. In my opinion, we still ought to understand how people like him fit into our world and how they come to be.
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