Stop Mackin’ in the Freshens Line
By Shannon Kane
Last night, I was patiently waiting for my Freshens grilled cheese when I was visually violated by a couple getting hot and heavy next to the fresh produce. The girl was fully enveloped in the man’s arms, and his rear end was dangerously close to the garlic cloves. I glanced toward the doors, but there were bodies blocking every exit. I knew I would be trapped inside the East Campus C-Store for at least another twenty minutes.
If you’ve ever been to Freshens, I assume you have witnessed a similar indiscretion. There is truly nothing like the feeling of waiting for your food in that cursed environment. There must be something in the air that makes couples feel like they will wither away if they don’t latch onto each other in public for half an hour straight.
The Freshens waiting period can truly make or break a relationship. If you can go 30 minutes without touching, you are not in love! You will break up! Your relationship is invalid and you actually hate each other. True love is PDA. How else will your fellow students know that you are in a relationship? If you are simply standing next to the person you are with, I will just assume that you get absolutely zero play.
Personally, I have never felt the need to make out with someone while I wait for my sandwich because I am usually hangry beyond belief. I clutch my Dr. Pepper and my comically small bag of Doritos and rock back and forth on the balls of my feet until they finally call my name. My friends and I talk only to either express how hungry we are (in dramatic hyperbole) or to comment on the fact that we are victims of an act of public indecency. Once, I was knocked off balance because someone was tickling their partner and they swung around to dodge it. I wonder if anyone has ever heard of this awesome new thing called personal space?
As you can see, what was once simply unpleasant is becoming dangerous. We must put an end to macking in the Freshens line. Reinforce the stickers with the little feet on them that keep us six feet apart. Keep your hands to yourself. Teach basic line etiquette in AUx, perhaps! We must come together as a community to create some stigma. Sometimes, bullying can be a good thing!