Best Places to Hook Up on Campus

By Your Secret Admirer

Love and other brain-altering hormones are in the air this February, but what to do when your roommate refuses to be sexiled for the third Tuesday night in a row? The obvious answer to that rhetorical question is to find another place in our romantic concrete prison hellscape that we call the American University campus to get down and dirty with your valentine (or someone else… we don’t know how loyal you dirty wonks have been these past 24 hours). As investigative journalists of merit, we have surveyed the AU community to find the top hookup spots on campus

Kay Spiritual Life Center

He is always watching anyway, so might as well bring a whole new meaning to saying “oh God” during sex at this beautiful location. Kay helps you remember that Pussy is not the only thing that’s god and that Moses can part more than just the Red Sea! Remember that Kay is a non-denominational place of worship which means no discrimination– only dual masturbation! All religions welcome :)

Letts Sky Lounge

Make the most of living in the capital of our great nation by seeing the sights while getting lucky! See their Washington monument while admiring the real Washington monument. By some standards, you could consider this joining the mile-high club (but you didn’t hear it from us).

Mary Graydon Center

MGC is your one-stop shop for everything on campus, and we really mean everything. There’s nothing quite like losing your V-card at the One-card office. Make the most of your meal swipes by eating TDR, True Burger, and pussy. Plus, if you have a class here it's the perfect place to sleep with your TA. Go ahead, do it. Sleep with your TA. Trust. Me. It’s such a good idea.

(Note from the editors of The Rival because we have a lot more compassion for our readers than the mysterious authors of this article: DO NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR TA!!!!)

The actual quad

As we all know, when it gets warm out AU students love to hang out on the quad. Don’t miss out on the fun just because you're getting horny! Next time you see your quad crush, make your move, you never know what could happen. Climb his flagpole under the flagpole maybe? 

Dorm room (lofted bed addition)

Is your sex life getting boring? Take your love to new heights by lofting your bed. Nothing is sexier than hitting your head while hitting it from the back. It adds the sexy and exhilarating risk of falling off the bed.

Bender gym/pool

This location is for all the gym rats here at AU. Don’t want to miss out on your gains? Bend them over in the Bender gym. Once you're done playing basketball, show them your balls. The options are truly endless– and what’s wrong with a little extra cardio?

Wonk bus

Go downtown on your next trip to Tenleytown by getting wonked on the wonk bus! Get ridden while getting a ride. Get ready to bus it down AND open. 

Library

There’s nothing quite like the academic rush of a hot make-out sesh in between the sections on syphilis and the Seven Years’ War. Take them to the maker space and make some babies! Wonks love to hit the books even while hitting it from the back, what can we say.

In the Einstein’s line 

All there is to say is that the line’s not the only thing that's long.