Which Hargreeves Sibling (from Umbrella Academy) Would Win a Presidential Election?

by Elise Nass

If you need a break from the crazy that is the aftermath of the 2020 presidential election, consider bingeing The Umbrella Academy. The Hargreeves are just as dysfunctional as the election, but a lot more fun.

This sci-fi drama follows seven adopted children who each have a supernatural ability. Their adopted father, Sir Reginald Hargreeves, spent their childhood forcing them to compete with each other for his affection. He also refers to them by number instead of name, in order of which child he thinks is the most useful to him. This results in massive daddy issues all around by the time the kids have grown up (cue surprised pikachu face). By the time the siblings are adults, they’re deeply disenchanted with their exhausting and disappointing lives as students superheroes, but the world still needs saving.

Luther

Luther has super strength, a gift that makes him valuable to his coldhearted father. He would lead the country like he leads his family: in the wrong direction, but with conviction. Like so many great leaders, Luther doesn’t feel the need to indulge in frivolous habits like “listening to others” or “thinking”. He’s genuinely trying his best to do the right thing, despite the fact that his best is usually underwhelming. On the bright side, he doesn’t support white supremacy groups on national TV. The election is similar to his father’s love in the sense that he’ll never win it.

Klaus

Klaus is irreverent, depressed and addicted to both dodging responsibility and drugs. (Like me! Dodging responsibility, I mean. Not the drugs hahaha.) His ability to see spirits allows him to keep his dead brother, Ben, at his side for as long as he likes. He has a very unique campaigning style that involves ‘going with the flow’ and supporting the alcohol needs of his constituents. He announced his campaign while under the influence and now his cult, Destiny’s Children, won’t let him back out. Klaus in the White House? God help us all. He’d show up high to his own inauguration.

Vanya

(Spoilers for Season 1)

Vanya can turn sound into energy, resulting in shockwaves that vary in degrees of destruction— there’s an incentive to stay six feet away from her at all times. She’s shy and sweet, despite being her father’s least favorite by a wide margin. Her diplomatic approach to problem solving followed by terrifying displays of brute force when talking doesn’t work is very presidential, in my opinion. She’s the most mysterious candidate: the press doesn’t cover her as much because, as one reporter put it, “her eyes are glowing and it’s scaring me.” Vanya probably won’t end up in the Oval Office, but if she did she’d be able to solve the energy crisis in a flash.

Diego

Diego has been second best all his life, unable to compete with Luther. As any stable and emotionally mature adult would do, he turns to a life as a vigilante to cope with his traumatizing childhood. Honestly, that’s a lot cheaper than therapy. Save money like Diego. While Diego may not have the brains to win an election, he drinks enough respect women juice to poll well in the primaries. Apparently, this is no longer necessary to ascend to the Oval Office, but oddly enough some of us voters still appreciate the sentiment. He makes several unsuccessful attempts to recruit his Secret Service detail to help him fight crime. One of the key points on his political agenda is pushing for more JFK memorials once he’s in office.

Ben

Ben has the oddly specific ability of manifesting destructive tentacles from his torso, like there’s a monster inside him. Early on in the race, Five intimidated him into dropping out. As the cinnamon roll of the show, he realizes early on he’s not quite cut out for politics, despite the fact that he’d probably do a decent job if he were alive. He’d run on a moderate platform of, say, believing in science and paying his fair share of taxes, cuz that’s just common sense, right? In the show, his main function is to stop Klaus from doing something impulsive and stupid, because Klaus is always doing something impulsive and stupid. As a result, Ben has a lot of experience in dealing with man-child types— we could really use him in the White House as an advisor right about now.

Five

Five can jump through space and time. When he was thirteen, he jumped too far forward and stranded himself in the apocalypse for decades, meaning despite his youthful appearance he’s actually 58. Coincidentally, the show sets the apocalypse in 2020. A little too on the nose, eh? Technically, he’d win the presidency by default since none of his other siblings are old enough. Five knows how to play the game, blackmailing several high ranking politicians into supporting his campaign. A journalist who questions whether Dolores would be a good First Lady disappears mysteriously. Five systematically starts reducing his competition: he intimidates at least two other candidates into retiring early and offers Diego a made-up military position that appeals to his ego. There’s an assassination attempt at one of his rallies, but not to worry. In true Five fashion, he jumps through space into the crowd and kills the would-be assassin with his bare hands. Don’t mess with Five. Unfortunately, this also ends his bid for the presidency. Not even presidential candidates are above the law, right? RIGHT?

Allison

Allison has the ridiculously overpowered and underused ‘rumour’ ability, which is activated with the phrase “I heard a rumour…” and allows her to compel action through speech. Imagine how useful that would be in debates— “I heard a rumour you shut up, man!” I can think of one current candidate who’s jealous. She debates Luther several times (sans ability) and comes out squarely on top each time— then again, that’s not a difficult thing to accomplish. She has the most cohesive political agenda, which involves equal rights for everyone (apparently this is still a controversial idea). With her ability, her projected chances of winning are rumoured to be at 100%. Without it, she’s still got a decent shot as one of the most manipulative but charming out of the seven. If she won, would Luther be First Gentleman? Technically, their childhood attraction isn’t incest, but if you have to start with ‘technically’ you’re already in trouble. I’m sure we’d rather have Ray as First Gentleman anyways.

In conclusion, Allison is by far the most fit for office. She’s the best choice as we’ve seen in Season Two how important social justice is to her. Klaus, Diego, Ben and Vanya aren’t really contenders, and Luther falsely believes he has a shot, so Five is her biggest competition. As intelligent as Five is, he’d tire quickly of pretending to be nice all the time. But I’m sure it would be entertaining to see him try.