Michael Myers Escaped, Confused as People Quarantine during Halloween

USA TODAY

by Carlo Zahl-Batlle

Notorious movie slasher Michael Myers has once again escaped from custody and has reportedly been spotted numerous times in his hometown of Haddonfield, Illinois. Over the past several days, the serial killer has been allegedly spotted in several different areas since his return. Citizens have reportedly seen Mr. Myers aimlessly walking the streets of Haddonfield looking confused, profusely crying, and holding his hands in the air as if to say, “Where is everyone?”

Myers, now 63, has escaped custody on various occasions since his first major killing spree in 1978. He usually escapes whenever the studio wants to do a reboot because art is dead. Myers’ modus operandi is to try and kill his family members and whoever stands in his way.

This year’s apparent complication for Myers is that no one in Haddonfield can go outside due to the town's strict quarantine mandate. In a statement released by the Office of Mayor Carpenter, they advised everyone to, “stay quarantined until November 1st” because “just like Michael Bublé and Mariah Carey, Michael Myers is only relevant for one month of the year, but also because of COVID”.

The coronavirus has not only indirectly affected Michael Myers but several of his notable colleagues as well. Due to New Jersey Governor Murphy’s cancellation of all summer camps, Jason Vorhees was unable to kill anyone in native Camp Crystal Lake. Like Mr. Vorhees, the hook-wielding Fisherman killer from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” was also unable to kill anyone because no one did anything this summer.

There have also been many reports that Freddy Krueger is powerless to kill anyone because everyone’s sleep schedules are so screwed up from quarantine. Conversely, Texas-based serial killer Leatherface has been able to kill with relative impunity thanks to Governor Greg Abbott having basically reopened the state.

Whether Mr. Myers or any of his other colleagues will be able to adapt to serial killing in the time of COVID remains to be seen. But just to stay on the safe side, stay inside this Halloween.