Your Guide to the Best Pixar Movies to Shag to

by The Rival Editorial Board

Look, we thought of this idea for an article. No one would write it, but we wanted to get the information out there. And isn’t that what The Rival American is all about — writing the shit that no one wants to, and then tweeting about it on main.

So here it is, Your Guide to the Best Pixar Movies to Shag to

P.S. Shag is another word for fucking

Toy Story (1995)

Come on, who doesn’t love Tom Hanks as a weirdly attractive cowboy? With not one, but several romantic subplots to enjoy, this film is feel-good nostalgia at its best. While everyone was a little too creeped out by Toy Story 2, and everyone cried way too much at Toy Story 3, the original film is the perfect balance of both for everyone to enjoy. Plus, there’s a pretty good chance one of you will get bored waiting for the gang to rescue Woody, which is a great opportunity to chat about your interests, connect on Linkedin, or do anything of the other normal things you do when watching a movie with a date. All in all, you can always depend on this film to be perfect background noise to the budding romance between you and the guy whose number you got in Econ.

A Bug’s Life (1998)

Have sex to A Bug’s Life. Why not? Go for it. The animation is terrible, there’s a bunch of the movie that doesn’t make a lot of sense, and I don’t know any of the characters' names. Yet, it’s probably my favorite Pixar movie. It’s an anti-fascist and anti-imperialist film (fuck grasshoppers). I guarantee you the creators of this film would be chill with you fucking during it. Just try to do it quick so you can watch the caterpillar turn into a butterfly and fuck up the grasshoppers.

Monster’s Inc. (2001)

Admit it, at one point or another you’ve wondered if James P. “Sully” Sullivan was attractive. Monster’s Inc is a film that gives you the feel good story line while also having the unique ability to expose your type depending on which monster is your favorite (looking at you, Mike Wazowski stans). Additionally, it traumatized you just enough as a kid that you need to watch it again as an adult to prove that you’ve faced your fears of getting stuck on the wrong side of your bedroom door multiverse gateway. Watch this movie with the Tinder date you’re feeling lukewarm on. If they think that Randall was in the right, then you know to ghost them.

Finding Nemo (2003)

It’s a movie about fish. Are you sold yet? I don’t actually remember much about this film. If you like stoners, there’s a turtle who’s pretty rad but who I feel has an equal chance of being either a himbo or an indie rock fan who will gaslight you. There’s also the scarred fish locked in the dentist’s tank, who has all the dark backstory and sensual mystique of the rugged-yet-gentle sea captain sitting in the corner of the bar of my mind.

Above all else, there’s the pelican. Have you SEEN what that mouth can do? God damn.

The Incredibles (2004)

I’ll say it. Elastigirl has a fat ass. I know this. You know this. She’s the hottest part of this movie. The rest of this movie is not sexy. Gender roles? Not sexy. Mr. Incredible lying to his smoke show of a wife? Not hot. Weird revenge fantasy? Only for Scorpios. Brad Bird is a genius with this animated masterpiece, but it’s not a background film. This is a film, and I mean film, to lock you in. Don’t try to get it in while Elastigirl is protecting her family, please.

Cars (2006)

Cars is like Cats (2019) in that it features oddly personified things and raises questions about the world its characters inhabit, and it’s history. Here’s the difference, Cats (2019) has Jason Derulo and his cleverly edited out member. Cars is mostly just ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE Owen Wilson, and never nominated for an Academy Award Larry the Cable Guy -- just kind of vibing. Cars 1 isn’t great to shag to just cause it forces you to ask questions about Cars Jesus, and Cars in general.

Ratatouille (2007)

This movie is a great Disney + and chill pick. If the subtle food porn alone doesn’t turn you on, the soothing tones of Patton Oswald’s jokes will. Featuring a romance that starts off just as awkward as your last Bumble relationship, Ratatouille is a premier choice for staying in and getting cozy with your favorite Trader Joe’s wine. Not only can you crush on Colette and Linguini at the same time, you can also brag to all of your friends that you shagged to one of the highest rated Pixar films of all time. Does the rat stay on during sex? We may never know.

WALL-E (2008)

This is the most beautiful love story, arguably ever. WALL-E just wants to be loved, and show his girlfriend his super cute plant. It’s a rom-com with robots, a robo-com if you will. Much better than 50 First Dates or The Wedding Singer because there isn’t the crushing background of commitment with Adam Sandler in this story. But personally, the end of the world as we know it is not one of my kinks. The main plotline hits way too close to home and is a huge bummer. If you think humans can turn it around, go for it! But this may lead to a nihilistic convo with your date, and those are never hot.

Up! (2009)

The hit film Up! is either a raw, sensual film exploring humankind’s deepest and wildest desires in Paradise Falls, one of the last wild places on earth, or it’s one of the only Pixar films I’ve seen. I’ll never tell which. If you think about it, though, the movie is littered with scenes ready to get your juices pumping. The sword fight between Carl Fredrickson and Charles Muntz (the Pixar villain who I agree with most)? Immaculate. Jowls flapping, bones cracking, those old animated men wage a war filled with the raw, past-its-prime masculine energy that Hollywood was built on. Or, you could always make your move during the beginning montage, a story of love that will ensure your lovemaking ends like all good sex does, in tears of raw emotion.

If you consider yourself more aroused by the talking dogs...I’ll allow it.

Cars 2 (2011)

I’ve never seen Cars the second, although I believe it also features a slight drop in quality, a more expansive storytelling goal, and a general focus on European vignette stories (like The Godfather Part II or Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again). I know that Cars 2 has a much lower score on Rotten Tomatoes, the only way to critically compare film. Cars 2 is also on Disney+ and has an Italian car? So slightly better than the first Cars in terms of shagablity. 

Cars 3 (2017)

I’ll keep it short. I haven’t seen Cars 3. The trailer for Cars 3 is oddly sexual. But something you can’t deny is that Cars 3 has a 69% on Rotten Tomatoes. The perfect shag fest of a motion picture.