A Crytpid Apology
by Emmy Goyette
Hello beloved AU community,
Unfortunately, after multiple complaints from the American University Administration of Cover-Ups (AUACU), I have been required to issue an apology for my previous article about cryptids on campus. In regards to cryptids at AU, I have been told to tell you that there “are none,” and that I have “spread egregious and false information.” Pay no attention to the ghoulish shrieks you hear coming from Katzen.
On behalf of myself and the Rival, I am very very sorry for frightening you all with “false” tales of creatures that lurk among us. There is nothing crawling in the shadows of TDR, rattling around the vents and peering at you while you eat.
I promise you, readers, that people from New Jersey are not real, and that I did not mean to scare you. Finally, and I was told to stress this part, Sylvia Burwell’s school sponsored tailgates are not too uncool for any football quarterback. Of course, you’ll be fine as long as you never visit Kogod after dark, because I don’t know what will become of you if you do. If you do, avoid the glowing red eyes in the stairwells, which are certainly not sinister but rather the eyes of ‘business’ and ‘trickle-down economics’ (another fictional entity).
It is essential for me to stress that AU is “completely safe” from any sort of monsters, paranormal specters, shadows, ghouls, apparitions, creatures, and of course, cryptids or “cryptid adjacent entities.” While he may be a ghastly sight, the only anthropomorphic creature on campus is Clawed, who works day and night battling cryptids gladiator-style in Bender building school spirit to ensure our complete satisfaction with campus life. I can assure you that there truly is nothing to be afraid of, as long as you avoid long, dark corridors and aren’t afraid of creatures that creep in the night. There are no monsters at AU, and there is nothing breathing down my neck as I write this. There’s not any need to sleep with the lights on, even if you hear something scratching at your door! Just tell yourself it’s Wonk Cat.
The AUACU has told me to convey that they would absolutely tell you if AU actually had cryptids, because AU certainly prioritizes student’s well-being over the money they give to the university.
When reached for comment, Sylvia Burwell simply told me that she would feed me to Beeghly if I didn’t keep my mouth shut next time. Her official statement was “there’s nothing to be afraid of!”