Students Disappointed Boil Water Advisory Fault of DC not AU

Burwell and others decide that selling Wonk Water™ would not be profitable

by Natalie Peek

At approximately 10:00 am, students received alerts that a boil water advisory (BWA) was in effect. At 11:19 am the University sent out a detailed email with information on how to ensure campus safety during the potential bacterial danger.

“This has to be the fault of the construction. They’ve dug up chemical weapons with all of that before...right?” questioned Noe Schitt, a freshman at AU. “If so, we have to be due for some sort of compensation for this and all of the different pollution we get exposed to. I mean, we’re gonna get some from like all that jackhammering that starts at 7:15 am every morning too, right?”

To the chagrin of Noe Schitt and others, the boil water advisory is actually due to a water main break in Arlington and likely has to do with infrastructure issues in the DMV area, not the fault of infrastructure and maintenance issues at AU. 

Others in the President’s mansion report that an idea for selling Wonk Water™ in the unknown period of danger of the BWA was scrapped shortly after coming to fruition due to contracts with Coca-Cola. Students are instead encouraged to purchase bottled Dasani Water in the Eagle’s Nest, Ethos Water in Starbucks, or wait ten entire minutes for water to boil.