Alger Administration Labels Quad Couples as a Terror Threat

WASHINGTON, D.C — We’ve all seen it. All cringed at it. Maybe you’ve even wished to be it? The Quad Couple is a quintessential part of the American University experience. No matter if it rains, snows, or shines, there is nothing stopping the Quad Couple’s hormones from wanting to show the world their freakiest kissing positions. 

Unfortunately, it seems like this egregious display of affection will now be coming to an end. On February 17th, 2025, the Alger Administration passed what might be the most controversial executive order to date. On AU’s own social media app, TruthEagle, President John Alger slammed his predecessor, Sylvia Burwell, claiming her policies have allowed Quad Couples to overrun and ruin the image of American University. 

This follows President Alger’s other attacks on Burwell’s administration, similarly blaming AU’s 30-million dollar budget deficit on the expensive and tacky “Lydecker Tunnel” rebrand. Alger has also blamed her administration on the mysterious disappearance of beloved AU icon, Wonk Cat.

American University Student Government representatives have already signed a letter demanding the administration to rescind this order, labelling it as an attack on American free expression, a dangerous precedent for our university and a restriction on AU students’ natural freak.

The order specifically labels, “all heinous, egregious, or ludicrous forms of public displays of affection, such as Quad Couple kissing” as “terrorist actions” against the university. It is unsure how this would affect the university’s annual and publicly observed Sex Week event, but many AU community members are already worried.

"Personally, I enjoy seeing couples get it hot and steamy on the Quad," said Clawed Z. Eagle. "I worry this order may ban all forms of sex in MGC."

There are already widespread campus protests planned for next Friday, with some students even calling to take back the President’s house.

Time will tell how this order may affect the horniest, most hormonal, AU students: theater majors.

The Rival American’s Division of Campus Sex Affairs will be monitoring this situation closely