American University for Dummies
Introduction
If you made it here, you already know, or at least assume, that American University is a curious place. It’s hard to explain precisely why to someone who has never visited. Luckily, I’m here to help. I have created this guide as a way to start these hard conversations. If you’re an AU student, read this to brush up on the spark notes of why your university is probably overdue for an exorcism, before you dive into your next discussion with muggles. If you’re a friend or family member of an AU student, this can serve as some good introductory reading—but please get some first-hand stories from a student if you can. If you’re a future student that has already committed, I’m sorry.
Sometimes when us AU students get asked about our college experiences, it is too daunting of a task to bring up all the weird details. It feels impossible, so we just say “yeah, it’s a liberal arts school in D.C.” That answer is a disservice to everyone, but it’s hard to really say anything else. I mean, how do you explain that when you say “it’s political here,” you’re talking about something far more abstract than debates on tax policy and the merits of conservative values? Well, I’m gonna do my best to lay it out for you all.
Is AU really that weird? Is it all in my head?
I think we must begin here. A good way to answer these questions is to start with the encounter that sparked this whole article. Over the holidays, I met up with an old friend from high school and we were trying to outdo each other with college stories at the bar. She told me how she accidentally smoked crack in an apartment with pigeon shit smeared along all of the walls. That story seems quite unbelievable and I’m not here to verify it. I’m here to say that, somehow, the most unbelievable college story told that night came from me. I was beat on just about everything in the big three of college story categories: drugs, parties, and sex. But in regards to the uncategorizable, I still haven’t found someone outside of AU who has more outlandish stories. Unfortunately, The Rival will not publish my most unbelievable personal stories, but I can set the stage with some more mild ones.
The Far From Zero Cancellation Rate
Cancel culture is real here. As in, the way old people think cancel culture works actually exists here. I’ve met many “woke” young people who are shocked at how truly cancelled someone can be at AU. That’s not necessarily a bad thing – or a good thing, either. It’s just a real thing that doesn’t exist just about anywhere else. During my Freshman year, a student was cancelled for being a creep. People started posting on Twitter (currently, X) about him on public accounts, as if this was a celebrity. These tweets even made it onto main Instagram stories! I’m not necessarily against this, but it’s utterly unbelievable that it happened. It is a small miracle if a racist gets truly cancelled at a state school anywhere south of Vermont. Eventually, this cancelled guy transferred, presumably because of the allegations. Of course, this is just one of the many cancellations that I have witnessed. The average American has (probably) witnessed approximately zero real life cancellations. Once again, I’m not here to judge whether this is good or bad, but if you want to teach people about AU, this is the place to start: tell your cancellation story.
The ‘Politics People’ (Doorknockers and Clothes-on Streakers)
Some people still use the word ‘hilltern’ to describe how AU is political. ‘Hilltern’ refers to those Model UN/debate-type kids that hangout in Kerwin and play Devil’s advocate. It’s easy to just explain ‘politics people’ at AU using that archetype: the well-spoken, knowledgeable classmate who is ultimately an utter nerd. Everyone knew a few of them in high school. But, if you want to understand AU politics people, you can’t just stop at the hillterns and wonks. For example, I see multiple posts of mutilated children every single day on Instagram, and I don’t even go on reels anymore. These are all informational posts about Palestine. I’m not against this behavior, but the normal American is probably averaging less than one gorey infographic per week. Others average a flatout zero per year. This is merely a good starting point though. While you can try to explain the politics people with quantifiable metrics like the amount of infographics seen, that only gets you far. If I’ve learned anything from going to class at AU, it is that some things are unquantifiable. So, let me tell you a story.
I can only recall seeing one person outside of AU truly understand our politics people. A friend of mine was working for the CIA over the summer and came to town for the Congressional Baseball Game. This friend, I’ll call him Dudley, was crashing at my place because most of my roommates were gone at this point of the summer. After hearing about his intentions to stick with the CIA long-term, I gave him my copy of Manufacturing Consent. The two of us then sat on the porch shooting the shit for a while. Our lives felt as similar as they could until my hilltern summer subletter, Blitz, arrived. Only a quick greeting was exchanged before he bolted through the front door. He changed out of his suit to immediately run back outside, smoke a joint, and chat before changing into yet another set of clothes to remove the weed odor. Blitz needed a decent smell for his big drive. He proceeded to hop into his friend’s car with a California license plate (which probably had a weed odor anyway) to drive to New York City to doorknock for Jamaal Bowman who ended up losing in a blowout election. Dudley did not seem to know much about either Jamaal Bowman or doorknocking, but after a little context from me, it started to dawn on him.
After some pondering, he finished telling me about the Congressional Baseball Game. He told me how some clothes-on streakers (protestors) were arrested for jumping onto the field. “Shit, I probably know some of those guys!” I said. He thought it was a pretty funny joke. A few hours later, I got a text that one of my acquaintances was trying to make bail after invading the outfield earlier that day. “These things happen,” I thought, and they do in fact happen. With this new information about the suspect in custody, I updated my old friend who spent his college years down South before joining the government. I saw the r-word forming in his mouth before he realized it would probably be a grave mistake to say something like that here. “Who knows what roommates this guy could have?” he must have thought. I’m used to clothes-on streaker types paranoid about the CIA somehow listening to them, but it was a special moment to see a CIA guy worried about a clothes-on streaker somehow overhearing him. Perhaps, Signal will one day be used by former CIA agents to say the r-word without repercussions.
So remember: hillterns and wonks are just the tip of the iceberg!
Septum Piercings Per Capita
As a freshman, I assumed a Bridge employee would ask me to leave the establishment if I walked in wearing sweatpants. While the customers have forgotten the dress code in recent semesters, there is still a fashion show behind the counter everyday. In the same vein, you can still see an inordinate amount of outfits only usually seen on the internet around campus. I don’t think they keep data on stuff like this, but there is a good chance that during 2021, Letts-Anderson-Centennial held the record for highest septum piercings per capita in the East Coast, putting it in the running for highest worldwide.
I am dumbfounded by the way people explain the clothing choices here. It is an elephant in many rooms for no good reason. If you look at StoolAmerican, the only fashion they comment about is people wearing suits in class… on a campus where you can look outside and see someone naked aside for overalls, hardstanding to class on Doc Marten gloves. Outside of Brooklyn, I’m not sure you can find many other places like this. It really ought to be a great point of pride for our university.
Same Age Kids
College is sort of like Lord of the Flies except everyone is horny. You live in this little universe that consists solely of ‘same age kids’ and professors. You get to make the rules of your little pretend civilization. At other schools, they shove football games in your mouth like a pacifier, but here you get to shape your identity around anything (actually just politics). You’re far less likely to meet a partner at a frat party or sports game than a protest. One time I helped plan a protest, but realized about halfway through the planning that nobody including myself even knew what the protest was about. Freud would probably have something to say about that, especially because it still had some turnout. Are all these political activities just camouflaged apparatuses to fill the void of traditional collegiate sex-inspiring institutions like the frat formal and the proverbial big game? Probably not, but crazy enough, everything here is true. Well, except that last part about planning the protest about nothing, but if you believed it, you get the point of this article. Our actions seem crazy, but deep down, the motivations are universal. Despite all the apparent uniqueness, American University is still just a hub of same age kids drinking, smoking, and trying to have sex. And you know what? Fair enough, man.