start a fire

by Ryan Nolan

This piece was written some time after the long-term relationship I was in had ended. The person I was with at the time was someone who embodied everything my family, friends, and peers thought and wanted me to be; someone who always did everything "right", someone that never got caught up and was always on the same track as the last time we talked. But that’s not me, I am not him. I wasn’t able to find myself until we were done. for good.

———

let’s start a fire together

i’ll carry you to the pit like i’ve been carrying you in my wallet and in my mind.

the spark that would be my kickstart was guarded from being lit to life.

and now, after being blind for so long

after idling alone in the dark,

i’m finally free from the reigns that were your arms.

despite our endings and beginnings, both written with your name before mine,

i’m ready to take control, and now i start this fire.

our hearts that could never be separated, even thousands of miles apart, will instead burn

together, because that’s the only way this will end.

in a fury of flames, the love we had dies

and when i am ready i’ll rise from the rubble, the ash

no more drunk, half planned unsent messages

and no more late nights looking at our pictures.

no matter how sweet you looked in the sunsets,

my bliss is sweeter within my brain and my heart.

now all that’s left is a burning memory

a record player, left on repeat forever, lost in time.