by Marissa Sasso

Taika Waititi’s new HBO Max show Our Flag Means Death has gained immense popularity very quickly. Gay pirates being unhinged as they traverse the seven seas together– what more do you need from television?

So, how would our favorite gay pirates fare at GayU AU? Keep reading to find out!

Stede Bonnet

Stede is a classic CLEG major who has convinced himself that he somehow won’t end up working as a lobbyist or for Big Law. Hopeful, naive, yet intelligent, it took Stede two months into his first semester to realize that SPA and Kerwin Hall are the same building. He still has never had Absurd Bird, and I don’t think he ever will.

Oluwande

Olu is an ex-SIS kid– he switched majors because he didn’t like all of the war criminals that were guest speakers in his classes. He’s definitely double majoring in Poli Sci and PR now and is currently stuck in COMM-100 with a bunch of freshmen that are incapable of checking the syllabus and ask the professor what each assignment’s due date at least three times a class.

Lucius

Lucius entered AU as a Poli Sci major mainly to appease his parents. He scored a 5 on the AP Gov. test in high school, so his parents immediately expected him to go to college for Poli Sci. He changed his major to Lit. within his first semester. He probably writes scathing fashion reviews for The Rival, since he’s a funny, judgmental gay person just like the majority of our staff.

Jim

I have no idea what Jim would study here, but I know for a fact that they murdered the freshmen who keep pulling the fire alarm after fire alarm number 16. Olu also dragged them to the “I <3 Female Orgasms” event. They made sure that they were part of the first 100 people in line so they could get the free shirts.

Frenchie

Frenchie’s in Kogod– not in a bad way, but in an “I need to study business so I can keep fooling rich kids with my pyramid scheme” way. He’s girbossing– who are we to judge?

Izzy

Izzy goes to GW. He keeps trying to convince Blackbeard to transfer.

Blackbeard

Took a gap year to learn how to sail. Definitely stole the boat that he taught himself how to sail on. Now, he’s enrolled in SIS so that way he can learn how to be a war criminal from all of the guest speakers. He pulled the fire alarm in the freshman dorms once in the first week of the first semester because he wanted to see the sea of freshmen leave the building, probably in the pouring rain. He’s the one who told Stede that SPA and Kerwin are the same building.

‘Our Flag Means Death’ Characters as AU Students