College Is The New Middle School
by Marissa Sasso
With the academic year coming to a close, it’s time for students to reflect on some of the interesting interpersonal experiences on campus that are often surprising to us when they happen. Turns out, becoming a legal adult, registering to vote, and moving out of your hometown does not, in fact, make you a mature adult. If it did, many college students would still be enrolled in the seventh grade. In fact, we at The Rival are feeling quite generous right now during finals week, so I’ve personally taken on the task of channeling the spirit of Janice from Mean Girls will give you a middle school cafeteria tour of all of the college students’ seventh graders to watch out for. We’re required to love every wonk, but Janice has her opinions.
(The spirit of Janice from Mean Girls is definitely not holding me hostage and forcing me to publish this article)
The Star Athletes
Hopefully doesn’t think that our athletics are good just because we’re D1 in the NCAA. Don’t get me wrong– some of our teams are apparently good (I know absolutely nothing about our sports teams, I’m not sorry), but we’re D1 in the same way that a pumpkin is technically a fruit. I don’t even need to say what you guys were like in middle school because it’s obvious that you were at sports practice preparing to become the pumpkin of Division 1 sports!
The Student Government Nuts
If you ran for student government in eighth grade, odds are you’re probably in AUSG now and taking it just as seriously as you did back then. There are so many posts out there roasting AUSG that it’s hard to come up with anything original to even joke about. But really, who the fuck cares enough to decertify an election just for some PoliSci roleplay college fantasy club? Just have an orgy like normal people.
The “I’m A Sophomore In Credits”
Oh my god, we get it you were a gifted kid! You still ended up here like everyone else, so please stop bragging. You were the Percy Jackson kid who literally went clinically insane in sixth grade when your social studies class had a unit on Greek mythology. Please hand in some of your missing assignments soon, or your three-year plan is out the window!
The Wannabe Influencers
Definitely got their first social media account in elementary school and made everyone without a phone feel left out because of it. Their Instagram posts look like they’re still in their James Charles phase–and hey, maybe they are! If you are this type of person, please stop posting photos of you posing like you’re James Charles at Coachella– you’re outside Leonard Hall and I’m praying to God that your outfit doesn’t show as much asscheek as James Charles’.
The “It’s Not An Addiction Until You’re Out Of College”
Was either never invited to parties in high school and is trying desperately to make up for it now or was invited to too many parties in high school and they’re trying to forget about the fact that they peaked in high school. Were the type of kids in middle school who hid weed in the ceiling tiles (I’m not making this story up, this happened to my old middle school like 10 years ago). They were the unofficial sex-ed class that happened every day during lunch. They also made you feel like a late bloomer for still being a virgin at 13.
The Chronically Online
I like your shoelaces. You haven’t aged a day since Hamilton came to Broadway. Seek help.
And with that, folks, our middle school tour has come to an end! Let’s go pull one last fire alarm before the semester is over…