Every Time Winona Ryder Ruined Cinema

By Brit Abrams

To answer a concerned citizen on Quora, yes, Winona Ryder is still alive. To celebrate her life,  here are her worst crimes against humanity. 

Little Women (1994)

Let’s just say I’m glad Greta Gerwig made another Little Women because there’s no way I could have sat through Jo talking for the entirety of Little Women. At least I could fall asleep in Little Women(2019), but with Winona Ryder I’d be blocked from blissfully sleeping by the sound of her persistent efforts to turn on the most pathetic gang of incels.

Girl Interrupted (1999)

Winona made an already terrible script into an intimate look at how obnoxious she is. Had Winona Ryder not been a producer of the film, my favorite book could have been commentary on mental health in the 60s instead of Winona Ryder proving to us that she can take your man even if he's a nurse in a psychiatric hospital??!! We had Brittany Murphy, Angelina Jolie, and Whoopi Goldberg in one movie, and all it took to ruin it was Winona Ryder opening her mouth. I would rather be confused during the entire film than hear another Winona voice-over.

Beetlejuice(1988)

I’ll be honest I never saw this film because I saw Winona Ryder was in it. But I’ve seen TikToks and that's enough for me. It got an 85% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and I have a hunch that they lost the 15% because of Winona Ryder's scenes. This could’ve also been easily solved if Winona was a mime throughout the film.

Edward Scissorhands (1999)

Winona Ryder deprived me of seeing this masterpiece. All the references I’ll never get. All the extra specific t-shirts I’ll never wear to school. All the Halloween costumes I’ll never get kicked out of a frat for wearing. All the scissors left untouched. I’ve been cutting with a knife for years!

Heathers (1988)

Heathers proves that Winona Ryder is the ultimate pick-me girl. She’s so desperate to prove that she is not like other girls, she dates a psychopath. Winona Ryder ties Christian Slater for the most annoying voice in this film, making them the iceberg that hit the Titanic. And Much like Jack, who dies, Christian dies as well. Leaving Winona to live on like Rose, who could have easily saved Jack.

Stranger Things (2016-Present)

I’m surprised I got through the first season of Stranger Things with Winona Ryder wailing every five seconds. Was Winona Ryder seriously the only actress available for this role? What about our resident motherly figure, Laura Dern? At least Laura Dern is comforting while Winona is somehow always sexual even when she’s looking for her fictional son!

Let me be frank, I don’t hate Winona Ryder, I just wish she would lose her ability to speak. Winona, I hear there are plenty of roles in the silent film genre, if you need a reference, just let me know.