BREAKING NEWS: Another Racist is Dead

By Kayleigh Thompson

News broke this week that another one of America’s most notorious Racists died yesterday. Due to their access to adequate medical care they are somewhere over the ripe old age of over 65. While the cause of death has not been released, it’s been speculated that they finally succumbed to either their own toxicity or the weight of their own ego. 

The world paused (for a millisecond) in acknowledgement as one of the world's largest Racist personalities passed away of natural karma causes, leaving behind a family supported by trust funds and tax exemptions. Known for confusing, irrational rants on television and radio that went viral on Twitter, calling themselves “the greatest’, and selling magnets that are probably on your one Republican relative’s refrigerators, the late Racist’s legacy of bigotry will be receiving an uncomfortable amount of in memoriam tributes on tonight’s local news. 

While MAGA Facebook groups everywhere are posting black and white photos with  The Racist’s most controversial quotes, the rest of the world found out about this passing through Reddit debated on whether you can be glad someone died or not, The Onion’s latest political cartoon, or a favorite group chat blowing up with the latest memes they found on Twitter feeds. Heated arguments about the legacy of The Racist are already underway in many US households as white, Boomer dads try to defend why they bought a legacy pin for their favorite golf hat. 

Funeral arrangements and memorials have yet to be formally announced, but we have been told that Hell, Michigan is an option to feel closer to the deceased. The family has requested privacy at this time to avoid answering any questions about The Racist’s long list of offenses against people of color, women, the LGTBQ+ community, and any person who dared to disagree with them. Fox News will be airing tributes made with IMovie to them every day this week in primetime. 

For those who may be breathing a sigh of relief at having less hate in the world, but are experiencing any discrimination or hateful fallout in the wake of The Racist’s passing, recourses can be found here. To get involved in activism and allyship, check out The Rival’s list of resources here.