Crushing, Student Everyone Thought Was Hot on the First Day of Class Turns Out To Actually Suck

by Lucas Trevor

It was the first day of the intro level creative writing class, and there was already a buzz around the room. As future out-of-work playwrights and undecided students looking to fulfill a GenEd requirement took their seats -- they also took note of one student sitting near the front.

“He had this jacket on... I think it was Carhartt? But it gave off this vibe that he knew how to fix things, and maybe even change a broken shower head.” Sami Whitcomb, an aspiring staffer for a DC based think tank continued, “It was also clear he had looked in the mirror and like, done something with his hair before he left his dorm.”

As the class started with a traditional icebreaker, students leaned forward waiting for the mystery man to share, “something that happened to him over break.” Junior Maria Vadeeva recalled, “He had one of those faces where you felt like you recognized him from something, but couldn’t quite place it. Between that and his reusable water bottle, there was definitely a sentiment that if this guy's anecdote ended up being actually fun, he might be one of the few white dudes I wouldn't tune out immediately when they started talking.”

While the specific details of the statement made by the student are disputed by various members of the class, the general idea was explained by Senior and transfer student Josh Gray. “He basically said he went skydiving over break for the first time, and it was with his mom. While they were up there she got super stressed out, and this guy calmed her down, even getting her to jump and have a really great time.” When asked to describe the story in three adjectives Gray went with, “earnest, wholesome, and efficiently told.”

This, unfortunately, was the last time anyone in the class would look positively on the unnamed student.

Whitcomb continued, “It was all downhill from there. At the end of class I thought about giving him my Snapchat, in case I missed class or something. Thank god my social anxiety kept me from doing that.” 

At the start of the next class, Vadeeva realized where she recognized the mystery student from. “Freshman year he was working the door at a frat party. He said he wouldn't let my two female friends in until they kissed. We left. I’m pretty sure that was the frat that ended up getting kicked off campus for murdering someone.”

“He was the first person to speak in the next class and it was clear he had absolutely no idea what he was saying. He compared the reading to a dispute with his roommates about if and when eggs expire,” Gray said. “He also at one point used the term ‘wack as hell’ to describe the University’s policy for on-campus smoking.”

The student, who has chosen to remain anonymous so as not to affect his leadership position on an intramural sports team, chose not to comment.