The Chandler Bing Effect

by Maria Russinovich

Hello, my name is Maria and I’m a 19 year old girl who has never been in a relationship before. “What?” you may be thinking to yourself. I know, I think that too sometimes. But, my singledom has been so much more than a lonely ride, it has also been one where I have learned a very important part about myself. I have what I have coined the “Chandler Bing Effect,” which basically boils down to a desire for attention, and a fear of commitment.

Now, let me backup a bit here and explain myself. I grew up as an only child, and went to a very small private school. While for many this would be idealistic, and it was overall a positive experience, there were also many pitfalls that I only realized when I came to college. Going to such a small school from 6th to 12th grade, I grew up with the same people being around me for six to seven hours a day. We all knew each other well. I was never the “prettiest” girl, the skinniest girl, or the “it” girl. So for my entire time at my high school I was single. While this was an okay experience while I was in high school, I never learned how to be in a romantic relationship, and was left constantly desiring one.

Another large portion of this “Chandler Bing Effect” comes from my parent’s divorce my senior year of high school. It was not the “cleanest” of divorces, and lots of tears and secrets were shed. I won’t go into the details, but while I have internalized many emotions, since coming to college I have realized just how badly the divorce has impacted my ability to love, and be loved. I feel an imminent sense of distrust around people I am romantically interested in, such as “how could they like me, I’m not pretty enough” or “who else are they talking to who’s better than me?” While these feelings are extremely toxic, they are emotions I have to live with, and am working to eradicate.

Now, for the connection to Chandler Bing. Those of us who are familiar with the television show Friends all know that one of the characters, Chandler Bing, is notorious for being afraid of commitment. While it is a crutch for most of the comedic moments surrounding Chandler, since coming to college I have realized I am Chandler. See, Chandler has many romantic partners throughout the show, and ultimately ends up with Monica Gellar. But throughout most of the show’s ten year run he struggles with the concept of commitment.

Why I compare myself to Chandler Bing, and why I am writing this article, is more of a PSA that being afraid of commitment is completely fine. Whether it comes from past trauma, or a genuine fear of missing out on what “could be,” every reason for fearing commitment is completely valid. Coming to college and being exposed to so many more people than just the 80 I graduated with has opened my options for romantic interests, and the same goes for almost everyone who comes to college. More likely than not, every single person you meet on campus is a complete stranger, and a relationship must be formed, whether it is formal, informal, romantic, or friendly. Of course, this article focuses exclusively on the romantic type, but commitment to other kinds of relationships is also a daunting thought.

College has been a quick time of transition for many of us, me especially, where I am being validated for parts of me that I was never before. I used to think of myself as “less than” the girls at my school that were running from boyfriend to boyfriend, and felt that I would never be able to have a partner with the ease that they portrayed. Of course, dating apps such as Tinder or Bumble make it easy to find people who are interested in you, at least on a surface level. However, taking the next step such as meeting in person or going on a date is a near-terrifying thought.  I have never been seen as romantically interesting online, and seeing someone in person is such a more intense step.

Basically, this article is more than just an emotional dump for myself, as I hope those who read it can feel some solace in their own feelings of insecurity, or commitment “issues.” No matter what your upbringing, your past, or your present, relationships of all sorts are extreme connections that start out with being strangers. Opening up and trusting a person to not hurt you is a great mental hurdle to leap over, and for some of us it takes a lot to open up and truly trust someone. Once we come to fully trust someone and believe they could never hurt us, that is where love comes in. Platonic love, romantic love, friendship love, or even professional love. Love is the common denominator to every relationship, but once love is felt from both sides, relationships can only grow together, and stronger.

Here’s to a future full of love, because we all deserve love, and are loved. You may know it or not, but we all are valid in ourselves, and people can sense it. Be sure in who you are, know your worth, and do what you feel comfortable with. Overcome your battles one day at a time, and everything will end up alright. My name is Maria, and I love you.