Dating a Wonk

by Charlotte Beisel

It’s slim pickings here at AU, and I’m not talking about which forksand tater tots to steal at TDR. I’m talking about dating. If you're planning on dating on Wonk Cat territory, there are some things you should know about the student body and the majors they chose to pursue. So here’s a look inside what a typical date would look like based on the majors at AU.

CLEG

If you’re going on a date with a CLEG major, expect multiple courses. But, keep in mind that while it seems like they’re ordering four entrees, in reality it’s just four subpar appetizers. If you ask, or even allude to the acronym, they’ll spend the bulk of the date explaining to you how it’s actually better to study a little bit of everything; makes ‘em well rounded, covers all the bases. Try to stay away from the hard hitting questions like, “What are your interests?”,“Where do you see yourself in five years?” or “If you hate economics, why is it part of your major?” since they won’t be able to answer.  That’s the whole point of CLEG. Nobody has any clue what they’re doing or where they’re going. But they do know they have to be up early tomorrow for their internship on Capitol Hill, so let’s make this thing quick.

Kogod

I can already tell you what your Kogod major will be wearing to your date: the same grey suit that he wore to his father’s second wedding, red Nike Air Max 97s, with the Jansport that he got in his high school lacrosse clothing order. He doesn’t normally dress up like this for dates, though. He had two presentations today, and just didn’t have time to head back to the Ave since his scooter is in the shop and walking creases the linens. He’ll explain to you that Kogod presentations are different from your little CAS presentations on the same theories you learned in AP Psych junior year of high school. He’s gotta be professional at all times; money doesn’t sleep, baby! Jordan Bellfort (or more accurately Leonardo Dicaprio, when he wasn’t mooning over Margot Robbie) taught him that one. You may start to imagine what your kids would look like, but all he’s thinking about is the size of both of your trust funds combined. Don’t be fooled though, he’ll take his father’s American Express Black Card out of his Gucci wallet, but he already requested half the check from you on Venmo. 

Journalism

Journalism majors are a great pick because you don’t really have to try very hard to make conversation. They’ve already got a million questions lined up to ask you, and if you see them writing something in a tiny notepad, don’t be alarmed. They may just need a quote off the record for their Comm-200 think piece. Before they invite you back to their apartment to listen to NPR’s “All Things Considered” on the importance of the first amendment, be prepared to pay your respects to the former home of the Newseum. Most of SOC is still mourning the loss of the Stonewall exhibit, so just give them time. But fear not, you’ll still receive constant reassurance that they are in fact studying journalism from their weekly Instagram stories promoting their latest podcasts and articles.

Women and Gender Studies 

So, you finally asked out that girl in your Habits of Mind class on gender in society. The one with the strong opinions and female symbol surrounded by tiny flowers tattooed on her forearm. Her sexuality isn’t clear, but whose is anyway? You need good vegetarian options, so you try to find the closest thing to an acai bowl without going to the Tavern. A quick meal is best, as you’ll likely want to give her the least amount of time to talk about her vegan food co-op. She’ll show you the scar from her Nexplanon implant, but that’s honestly just a standard greeting. Try to talk about how great your relationship is with your mom and maybe add a bit in there about the Hayley Kiyoko concert last Spring.

Philosophy

If you’re going on a date with a philosophy major, look at the restaurant’s menu before you get there. They’ll show up with a new stick-n-poke tattoo, which has some faux deep meaning but was really done when they dropped acid at 3 a.m. and decided their world was basically Rick and Morty. Be ready to order as soon as you’re seated, because the moment you contemplate what you want to eat, they’ll start going off about determinism and how free will doesn’t exist. Try to keep the conversation light and whatever you do, do not bring up Nietzsche or you’ll find yourself crying in a Bandit Taco. Trust me, it’s not fun.

SIS

A date with an SIS major is kind of like a choose your own adventure book, except instead of an adventure, it's just picking which Smithsonian you want to walk around while you get the impression your date may be in the ROTC. They’ll tell you about how the people on their mission trip to Guatemala aren’t all that different from us, the only downside was that the wifi there was so shit that they couldn’t watch McCain’s funeral. Instead of gaining a better sense of cultural appreciation, all they came back with was a heightened sense of white imperialism and a singular yarn covered dread. You’re positive they were overcharged for it, and honestly? Good. When they see your puzzled expression they assure you it’s not cultural appropriation, the vikings wore braids. Plus, they’ve actually taken a 300-level course on the history of Latin America and can ask where the bathroom is in perfect Spanish.

Psych

Psych majors are a great date because they’ll make an effort to get to know you. But instead of chatting about your hometown or the mental health services at AU, be prepared to receive a diagnosis. It’s like a date with Joe from “You”, but it won’t end with murder OR sex (lame). Somehow Freud will sneak his way in there and your date will explain to you that you don’t actually want the spaghetti, but your appetite is just the manifestation of your childhood trauma of when your parents got a divorce and your mom had to work nights, and the only thing you and your brothers knew how to make yourselves was Chef Boyardee. And even though you already traded in your Tumblr account for years of therapy, there you are, crying in the back corner of the Satay Club. At least it’s not Bandit Taco.

Bio

Dating a Bio major at AU is almost as rare as seeing Wonk Cat on your walk to Watkins. They’re the closest thing this school can get to a nursing major, just without the STEM budget and complaining. They’ll remind you of the mean girl from your highschool, but maybe it’s just because they both like Vera Bradley.It’s a lot of work studying science, learning from professors who lived through the discovery of the atom.. All that homework, all those tests; you’d never understand. And don’t worry about the white stuff on their shoulders. It’s probably not dandruff, just asbestos from the basements of Hurst and Beeghly. If only there were a $45 million science building being constructed for the four bio majors who go here. But don’t be fooled, the subtle flex about curing cancer someday is just a cover up for their weekly 2 a.m. existential crisis about majoring in STEM at the 2018 most politically active school in the country.

Regardless of which major you choose to court this Valentine’s day, just remember a few things. These are wonks we’re talking about. They’re all still chasing the high from their mom’s latest Facebook post of their accomplishments and need something to take their minds off of the crippling debt. You won’t have fun, but dating isn’t supposed to be fun. And hey! you may get a free meal out of it. Maybe you’ll find the love of your life. Or maybe they’ll turn out to support Biden and you’ll have a story to share with the person you’re actually into. Whatever the case may be, stay safe and stay clean, and remember that the student health center will offer you free condoms but not much else.