The 'Valentine's Day' Exit Survey
by The Rival American
What do Oscar award winner Anne Hathaway, Eric Foreman from “That 70’s Show”, and “Hey Stephen” singer Taylor Swift have in common? They were all in the 2010 smash hit “Valentine's Day.” We at The Rival American wanted our staffers to enjoy this holiday season, so we encouraged them to watch the movie version of a conversational candy heart (too sweet, very white, and leaves you feeling sick with a weird film over your tongue).
1. What is your <50 word review of Valentine's Day?
Hope D'Ovidio: Valentine's Day is a hodgepodge of famous people with hollow 5 minute character arcs and feebly connected plot lines. As much as I wanted to laugh, at times I was just too uncomfortable. To make it easier, I took a shot every time I saw an actor from the Princess Diaries.
Katy Zottoli: This movie is make you cry and cringe, but most importantly, not make you laugh. However, just because there is no good moments in this movie doesn't mean you shouldn't watch it. You should, just pregame before it.
Ryan Brewer: Corny, cliche, predictable, cheesy, but yet somehow you end up watching the whole thing. It may quite literally be the perfect romantic movie ever made. Keep in mind my experience in this genre is limited to that movie Noah Centenio was in.
Morgan Soudry: the characters: flat. the jokes: problematic in a variety of ways. the movie: a masterpiece
Olivia McCormack: Is this a great movie? No. Is this a good movie? Also no. But it was what I thought the pinnacle of romance was at age 13.
2. What was the best moment of the film?
Olivia: When Taylor L. (Not Taylor S.) did a backflip for literally no reason
Ryan: The quote: "Is it my height? Im going to grow". Yeah little man as a 5'5 college student- I felt that one.
Morgan: When Bradley Cooper was gay
Hope: Any time I got to hear Anne Hathaway talk on the phone as a sex worker
Katy: When it ended.
3. What was the closest you came to turning it off?
Katy: When Anne Hathaway used her sexy porn voice throughout the movie.
Hope: Hearing Emma Roberts explain to her teacher she couldn't meet with her during their 40 minute lunch break because she had already scheduled losing her virginity to Carter Jenkins
Morgan: When Emma Roberts' boyf stripped down to only a guitar
Olivia: The opening credits
Ryan: When I turned it on. It wasn't the movie it was me.
4. Who wins the Oh Shit Award (The Actor/Actress that made you go 'oh shit, they're in this?')
Ryan: Taylor Swift. I genuinely never knew she did movies call me uncultured I guess.
Morgan: Peter Allen Vogt. He was in Hannah Montana look it up.
Olivia: Kathy Bates
Hope: Fuckin Joe Mantegna
Katy: George Lopez. Him and Ashton Kushner pretending they're in a buddy cop film, made it possible to get through it.
5. What prestige director would you pick to remake this?
Hope: Cohen Brothers
Katy: Greta Gerwig
Morgan: Charlie Chaplin
Olivia: David Lynch
Ryan: Refer to the uncultured statement above as I do not know much about 'prestige directors', but I do know Michael Bay makes things explode so that would be cool I guess.
6. Which celebrity couple would you add to the movie? And why?
Katy: George and Amal Clooney. They'd be a good rich couple that would look down on all the other people in the movie.
Hope: Jada & Will Smith so they could dismantle all of this toxic behavior
Olivia: Elon Musk and and Grimes. No explanation needed.
Morgan: Bella Thorne, Mod Sun, and Tana Mongeau
Ryan: Monica and Chandler- I feel like the movie could have used more "Friends" references.
7. Would George Lopez’ character being replaced by Mr. Electric from Shark Boy and Lava Girl help, hurt, or not effect the end result?
Ryan: George Lopez is what turned this from a good movie to a great film. That being said Mr. Electric would take it from great to iconic. Electric for sure.
Olivia: It would help. I would be much more receptive to advice being given from a floating electric head rather than a man.
Morgan: Help, but only if Lava Girl returned to destroy Taylor Swift for stealing her dearest Shark Boy.
Katy: I think that it would definitely not effect the end result. Mr. Electric seemed to be a pretty clumsy villain, and George in the film fucked up when all those flowers fell out on the van.
Hope: This would dramatically shake the direction of this movie. Any time a character had a problem, George Lopez would spew his profound wisdom. Without him, these characters would have burned the world down
8. Why didn't the Taylor Swift Taylor Lautner relationship work out?
Hope: Taylor L. was overcome with feelings of post twilight stress and was not able to handle seeing Taylor Swift's pale skin in her killer sparkly dresses.
Morga: Lava Girl
Olivia: We wanted it too much. No relationship can withstand the pressure of a million pre-pubescent girls. RIP LARRY.
Ryan: After years of a steady relationship, Lautner was forced to end it with Swift following the release of her new album 'Red'. He would later go on to defend himself stating "God what an awful album".
Katy: Taylor Swift got jealous that she couldn't do a back flip like Taylor Lautner.
9. If he was still alive (RIP Gary Marshall, RIP Kobe) what holiday movie should complete the quadrilogy of Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, Mother's Day?
Hope: The obvious answer is Halloween
Ryan: Groundhog day. I feel like that holiday could really use a move, pure untapped potential.
Katy: St. Patrick's Day. Everyone is drunk. Including the director.
Olivia: President's Day. And it's all about the founding fathers being gay (like Bradley Cooper and McSteamy) OR men who are too focused on their careers to find love.
Morgan: National Boyfriend Day. The movie is primarily snap stories and insta posts.