How Do They Smash?: Classifying All the Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Characters

by Hope D'Ovidio

(Heads up! As long as it is comfortable, consensual, and you’re having fun, spicing up sex is super cool and awesome! We’re just answering the questions you all have. Also we took out any characters that are under 18 in their game canon. We hope you enjoy!)

Look, we classified each of the Super Smash Bros characters into BDSM categories. It’s not that deep. Happy Sex Week. 

3… 2… 1

Go! 

Dominants

Donkey Kong: Starting off strong with this heavy weight king, an obvious dom. Imagine letting Donkey Kong toss you around.

Daisy: Never being overshadowed, Daisy’s greatest strength is her undeniable MOXIE. Enjoys picking flowers, putting Peach in her god damn place, and making Luigi cry (spoiler alert: he likes it).

Captain Falcon: It’s been a wild night, and the sexual tension is building. He guides you bed, lies you down, and whispers in your ear; “I’m the captain now.”

Chrom: It is impossible to be that toned and not be a dom.

Incineroar: That is one FIRE feline.

Master/Mistress

Samus: A nintendo warped embodiment of Princess Leia, with or without the power suit. I will even volunteer to kiss the ground she walks on.

Zelda: I put a lot of thought into the placement of Zelda, and for me it comes down to this. It’s the Legend of Zelda, it’s not the Legend of Link, or the Legend of Hyrule, it’s Zelda’s fucking game, and she’s running this shit. - LT

Zero Suit: Plasma. Whip. Send Tweet.

Captain Olimar: With the way his 5 loyal Pikmin tail him, Olimar seems like an obvious Master. But truly-- it’s all a facade. He is nothing, without his Pikmin. Nothing. Floating through space. alone. weak. dark. small. so small.

Rosalina & Luma: Luma is the true mistress here, with their final smash being altered into a black hole- sucking, pulling you in. There is no escape. Peace was never an option.

Submissive

Ganadorf: Look, you wanna ride that nasty nose. He’s not riding your nasty nose, you’re riding his nasty nose, it’s really that simple - LT

Lucario: Lucario’s Aura makes them a perfect sub, as he possesses the power of telekinesis. Because their dom doesn’t care about what they have to say, this way, Lucario can always ensure he’s being heard. He’s still a Pokemon though, just waiting to be captured.

Slave

R.O.B.: R.O.B. 🤝  My vibrator

Robotic. Operating. Buddy

Pac-Man: We are all slaves to the system, but I don’t think anyone has it worse than Pac-Man. His rigid, boxed in life is controlled by the ever wandering ghosts, as he tries to hide, scavenging for scraps. Pac-Man takes whatever he can get.

King K. Rool: King K. Rool is a slave to his own narcissism. It is like sleeping with the typically portrayed overweight redneck, whose racist remarks are making him bald. And you’re having sex in a swamp. And everything smells really bad. And also the swamp has lots of eutrophication.

Bottom

Yoshi: Do you always have someone on top and let your tongue do all the work? You, like yoshi, may be a bottom. 

Mewtwo: Mewtwo is a thicc feline Queen that chooses to be the bottom. It is where she believes she can be the most admired. 

Snake: always sweaty. 

Shulk: You know what they say about dudes that carry around swords that are bigger than their bodies.

Switch

Mario: Just like his overalls, he can wear the pants or the shirt. 

Lil Mac: He’s a boxer. He takes hits, and he gives them out. He goes either way. Also, what’s he hiding under that cute pink hoodie? No one knows. - LT

Palutena: a fluid Goddess. Don’t put her in a corner. 

Robin: Remember when you had to choose whether you wanted to be female robin or male robin? Why did we do that to them? Robin is gender fluid, dope, and can be whatever the fuck they want.

Masochist

Luigi: Have you ever visited Luigi’s Mansion? This man is not just begging to be hurt, but HAUNTED. That is some next level masoshit. 

Wolf: I feel like I could punt the shit out of wolf and he would say thank you. Also that eye patch.

Duck Hunt: One of my earliest memories was inflicting pain on this bundle of pixels and he’s been begging for more ever since. 

Sadist

Dark Samus: Emphasis on dark.

Kirby: The hammer. The fiery, fiery hammer. Repetitive down B. Where did that block come from? Lots of repetitive positions here. Have you had that spiked ball the whole time? Did you just fucking inhale me?

Bowser: This man inflicts pain whenever he gets the opportunity. The worst crime bowser has commited? Being born with a natural man spread. I saw him on the packed metro the other day while I was standing and he took up two seats. I turned up my music to try and drown out the faint (Bwahaha).

Meta Knight: Meta Knight is Kirby with a sword in a costume and if you weren’t scared before I bet you are now.

Ryu: This man keeps tabs on HIMSELF until he is able to whip out his knock out and when he does, ooooh shit,,,

Ken: Surfer Ryu, put ‘em in the same category. - LT

Ridley: Envision those pointy claws dragging down your vulnerable back. Ridley does not use words. Her language is expressed through a form of screeching and wailing.

Rope Bunny

Peach: NO ONE gets captured that many times on accident and I DON'T CARE what you say that is mY OPiNon! 

Wii Fit Trainer: Does lynegar yoga morning and night 6 days a week but still brings her ropes home after every session even though the studio offers free ropes in fact they are nailed to the wall and actually those are the studios ropes can someone stop that girl????? 

Simon: We stan a rope bunny that keeps that thing STRAPPED. 

Richter: (see above). 

Voyeur

Sheik: As the last of her kind whose everyday wear is trendy stealth armor, it seems like her only option is to watch.

Mr. Game & Watch: What’s in a name? In this case, everything you need to know.

King Dedede: Hit that motherfucking up B and tell my my guy triple D isn’t a voyeur, he just wants to watch - LT

Vanilla

Jiggly Puff: This hovering gumball is about as vanilla as it gets. You sneak into bed, Jiggly Puff rolls around for a bit, you get excited, look over your shoulder, and find he is already sound asleep. 

Dr. Mario: Hey Dr. Mario u little fuckin’ bitch please riddle me this, how is it that your punk ass is able to cure a multitude of pandemics yet you remain vastly incapable of figuring out a diplomatic solution between you and Bowser? I hate men 

Falco: Don’t agree with this classification? Tell me to my face that Falco does not radiate Captain America vibes, both pre and post the Stark Super Soldier Serum. Are you gonna look at me and tell me that im wrong? 

Brat

Pikachu: The chase does not only turn Pika on, it electrifies him.

Wario: Wario has devoted his heart to Mario. Mario, who's still figuring himself out, can't commit like that quite yet. Wario tries to understand, savoring the moments he gets when Mario does pay attention to him. But sometimes, it is not enough. Sometimes, he needs to go behind his back, ruin his plans, get mad at him for getting mad, and wait for an apology. They always come back.

Use a shield! Again, Happy Sex Week.

Bonus Round

Waluigi: Waluigi knows no bounds and cannot be contained. Waluigi is infinite.