Streaming and Chill: A Guide For Your Valentine's Day Viewing

by Zane Goins and Lucas Trevor

So it’s time for some Netflix and chill. It’s a Thursday night, and they just came over, and you promised you were just gonna hang out and watch something. Your palms begin to sweat, your internal monologue turns to that ever-present question; “what the hell am I going to put on?” You really should have thought about this beforehand, but no worries. The Rival American thought ahead for you. Here's what to stream, and what to avoid, on every streaming platform you can think of. (More specifically every streaming platform we felt like looking at).

Netflix

Best: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

To put it simply, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is the most perfect Netflix and chill movie ever made. It’s the rare John Hughes film that does not contain a problematic side story, and its story beats have penetrated pop culture to the point that you don’t have to fully pay attention to them. In recent years the story has been criticized -- justifiably -- for being one that is only possibly in the extreme class stratification of mid-80s America. This is correct. But it is possible to either turn your brain off and watch young attractive people do fun things, or have an honest conversation about Reagan’s impact on American society. If you decide on the latter you can use it to weed out any terrible people before hooking up four times and finding out they support “good Republicans like John McCain.” At its core, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off represents for college students the unspoken belief that we all hold deep down somewhere. Despite our never ending pursuit of adulthood, independence and autonomy, we all want to go back, and just for one day hang out with our friends from high school and run from our high school principal. Its individual moments are fun, its overall story irrelevant, and its ending features 15 straight minutes of an unimportant chase scene, perfect for hand holding or whatever you kids do. Plus that theme song is hot as hell. - Lucas Trevor

Best: Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python is always funny, even when slightly problematic, and is a universal crowd-pleaser with infinite rewatchability. The lighthearted attitude present through every part of these films makes it very easy to slip in and out of paying attention whenever you please. Also, for those of you living with roommates, having Monty Python blaring from your room doesn’t lead to any suspicion. If you were to put on just any comedy for background noise, say the Minions movie, you may invite some questions that you do not want to answer. Just throw this baby on and you’re good to go. - Zane Goins

Worst: The Irishman

The Irishman is both the longest and least sexual movie ever made. There were no other films nominated, and it won 100 percent of the vote. Do you know what makes me want to make out with someone? Poorly de-aged Robert De Niro not kicking someone. You know what really gets me going? Joe Pesci sitting at a table, and then sitting in a car, and then eating cereal while sitting at a different table. Is it a good movie? I mean like sure. Does everyone walk like they’re 1000 years old? Also yes. From the first tracking shot in a nursing home which ends on a tight closeup of a very old man with dementia, all the way to the last frame which is a wide shot of a very old man with dementia in a nursing home, I felt absolutely no desire to ‘chill.’ Also I’m writing this before the Oscars and this will come out after the fact, but please give Joe Pesci an Oscar, he’s simply the best actor ever, and I love him so dearly. - LT

Worst: The Lobster

I tend to love some weird films, and this one is definitely a good example. The entire film is a depressing, anxiety-inducing dystopian hellscape where nobody is the hero and everyone is the most awkward character you have ever had to experience. Even with its contemplative and jarring approach to modern sexuality and relationships, every scene of this movie involving human contact will most likely make you nauseous. Coming in at an hour and fifty nine minutes, every second of this movie will make you rethink having invited someone over in the first place. That being said, this is an incredible film and everyone should watch it at least once to gain a new and very novel perspective on the relationship conventions that many of us blindly take as the only way to navigate intimate dealings with other people. Just don’t expect anything to happen during that viewing, or maybe ever again afterwards. - ZG

Hulu

Best: Shrek

I’m not saying everyone has been, ahem, busy before while Smash Mouth plays during the introduction of Shrek. I’m just saying that the familiar story beats coupled with an ahead of its time comedy and surprising earnestness makes these movies comfortable and easy for casual viewing. At the same time, allow Mike Myers’ sultry Scottish accent to set the mood better than any Target candles could ever hope to. And if you are in need of a break or anything like that, you can just watch the movie. It’s really a win-win. - ZG

Best: Mission Impossible: Fallout

If Eyes Wide Shut (which will be discussed below) is his best individual performance, the Mission Impossible franchise is Tom Cruise doing the most and having the most fun. The Mission Impossible movies are consistently incredible, and anyone who says otherwise is a boring person. I don’t make the rules that’s just a fact. From De Palma’s genre bending masterpiece that started it all and Phillip Seymore Hoffman’s career performance in MI3, to one of the best individual stunt sequences in film history (this video is 8 minutes long but its so very good) and Mission Impossible 2 also existing, the MI franchise has consistently been cutting edge, ground breaking, and really really fun. Fallout is no different. For many this most recent entry is the best, and it is also likely the best entry to ‘chill’ to. Its ability to build and release tension is unparalleled, but it also plays out similarly to many of the best action adventure movies out there. Five flawlessly put together set pieces connected by a plot which quite frankly, you don’t NEED to follow. Add in every version of attractive man -- Henry Cavil (absolutely shredded), Tom Cruise (short king), Ving Rhames (imagine him whispering sweet nothings into your ear), Simon Pegg (work crush cause he’s funny), Sean Harris (complicated and European), Alec Baldwin (to each his own) --  and you have yourself a classic Hulu and hang. - LT

Worst: Blackfish

There’s nothing I like more than bringing somebody over and just having a really good cry while watching intelligent animals be routinely abused. If you seriously put this on when you bring somebody over then please get help. - ZG

Worst: Eyes Wide Shut

There are many reasons that Eyes Wide Shut fails to work as a movie to put on during that first Tinder meet up. It’s view of sex and relationships -- like many of Kubrick’s masterpieces -- is poorly developed, to say the least. After I watched it for the first time I took a 45 minute shower and then played with my dog. Quite frankly it makes you never want to have sex again, and that isn’t exactly the ‘vibe’ that you want going into a meetup. With all that being said, the most glaring reason for its failure in this category is it is simply too good. Kubrick layers his story in a way that stands out even amongst the rest of his filmography. You can’t take your eyes off the screen, and you can’t stop watching to hook up. Tom Cruise is a three time academy award nominated actor, and his work in EWS surpasses anything he’s ever done before. Nicole Kidman won an Oscar for The Hours and despite her limited role is mesmerizing while she’s on the screen. I don’t want to make out, I just want to watch a master work. - LT

Disney+

Best: Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

I’ll keep it simple. Is Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones the worst film in the saga? Yes. Is Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones the horniest film in saga? Also yes. - LT

Best: Guardians of the Galaxy

The music, the ridiculousness, the hottest people in the MCU - this movie has all of that and more. This movie also probably has the least to do with the MCU’s overarching story, so hopefully you can resist the urge of telling the person you’ve brought over that it’s fine if they leave. Hopefully, you can also resist the urge to spend your entire weekend rewatching the MCU arc. Stay strong. - ZG

Worst: Empire Of Dreams: The Story Of The Star Wars Trilogy

Empire of Dreams is an incredibly well made documentary about the creation of the original Star Wars trilogy. It elaborates on the early days of George Lucas as a filmmaker beyond Star Wars, the importance of the hero’s journey in the storytelling of his universe, and the technical breakthroughs that made those films so significant. I absolutely love this movie, and that at its core is why it fails to work to Disney+ and lust to. It’s well paced, and interesting, and contains some of the best Carrie Fisher quotes out there. I don’t want to make out, I just want to learn about the new camera they invented to shoot exterior scenes in space. - LT

Worst: Up

The opening of this movie is enough for me to unequivocally believe that this is the worst thing you could possibly put on when bringing somebody over. Just tell them you want them to go home. - ZG

Amazon Prime

Best: Red Dawn (1984)

Nothing needs to be said about this movie other than it’s a great piece of American Cold War propaganda that you have to pay exactly zero attention to. - ZG

Best: Guava Island

It is EXCEEDINGLY difficult to find good movies to Amazon Prime and vibe to. It seems the process by which they select movies for their catalogue is they sit down and go, “hmmmm, let’s pick movies that are very good, and also make you want to curl into a ball and cry for a few hours. We’re talking Midsommar, Suspiria (2018), The Killing of Sacred Deer, Hereditary, The Silence of the Lambs, Climax, Bone Tomahawk and Paweł Pawlikowski’s Cold War. So much A24 and so much body horror. Guava Island bucks this trend. It features two beautiful human beings in the leads, Donald Glover and Rihanna, and it is largely a musical featuring two of the most talented artists working today. Its setting is equally dazzling, filmed in Cuba it features gorgeous Caribbean blues, and Island vistas. At just 56 minutes, it's tightly written and adorable story breezes past, leaving you wanting more.

Worst: Midsommar

This entire movie is about a prolonged and profoundly disturbing breakup. I guess if you really want to send a message then put this movie on and try to get busy. I’m sure they’ll know that they’re not welcome back. - ZG

Worst: Good Time

Imagine that one scene from Mission Impossible that I linked to earlier -- where Tom Cruise is hanging off the side of the tallest building in the world -- but it lasts for an hour and 41 minutes. (Here’s the link again, please watch). Like the best work from the Safdie brothers, Good Time starts and never stops. It keeps moving forward, faster and faster, and doesn’t let up until the very end. For those of you who have seen their most recent release, Uncut Gems, you’ll understand the type of tension that permeates their work. Add in the fact that while Gems features beautiful people like Julia Fox, Lakeith Stanfield, Idina Menzel, Kevin Garnett, The Weekend and Mike Francessa, Good Time has Robert Pattinson and he looks really really bad. - LT