Spice Up Your Life

By Olivia McCormack

The Spice Girls may have zigga-zigg-ahh’d. Mel B really said “if you wannabe my lover, you gotta be one of my friends.” To put it plainly, Scary Spice and Ginger Spice may have had the coitus.This was a great moment for queer individuals as queer relationships and identities were being discussed, it was also a great moment for straight men.

Is homophobia over? I sat down with two straight men who consider themselves “lezperts” (lesbian experts), even though neither of the spice girls involved identify as lesbians and these men cannot identify a single influential queer individual who isn’t Ellen. They’ve been asked to be kept anonymous, due to their “progressive” and “liberal” stance on the topic. They told me these opinions without prompting.

Man 1: Call me crazy but I’m totally fine with two wealthy, hot, CIS women having sex as long as I’m attracted to them and can get sexual gratification from it. If you want to call me progressive, you could, but those are your words. Not mine.

Man 2: After this discovery, I’m PRO gays! I mean not like gay gays, but the spice girls can sisser-siss-a all they want. I mean as long as I get to watch, it’s all good.

Man 1: Ya! I already hypersexualize black women and queer women. I didn’t realize I could hypersexualize intersectionally. I was so ignorant before, this was on me guys. I’m sorry. Fuck, this is what Gillette’s ad meant right?

Man 2: No, dude, you’re totally right. And I know Mel B said that “it’s not a big deal” but like, is a big deal. Let me explain. The only gay women I’ve seen are in porn, I mean, like, except for Ellen. But, like, she’s not this kind of gay. She’s gay gay. I would not watch an Ellen porn. I mean, unless Porsha was in it. No, no, I still wouldn’t. Anyways,it's really great to see hot, queer women in the wild. And if they had sex, maybe they made a sex tape. Think of how much money could be made off that.

Man 1: oh my god, dude do you think there’s a sex tape?

This is not a Spice Girls fanfiction, so this topic didn’t need to be further discussed.

Me: So, does this mean you’re more open to policies that benefit LGBTQ individuals?

Man 1: What do you mean? What more do these women need? They’re already having sex with hotter girls than me. If anything, I’m the one who’s being oppressed right now.

Man 2: Ya, you know what? I’m totally fine with hot girls boning, but honestly, what need do they have for a relationship? Or rights? Like if there’s not a man involved it’s not a REAL relationship.

Me: What about queer relationships that don’t involve women?

Man 1: next question, please.