American (University) Psycho

“What’s that, a gram?” Price says, not apathetically.

“New resume.” I try to act casual about it but I’m smiling proudly. “What do you think?” 

“Whoa,” McDermott says, lifting it up, fingering the page, genuinely impressed. “Very nice. Take a look.” He hands it to Van Patten. 

“Picked it up from the library printer yesterday,” I mention. 

“Cool wording,” Van Patten says, studying the paper closely. 

“That’s a Hillternship,” I point out. “And some volunteer work.” 

“Volunteer?” McDermott asks. 

“Yeah. Not bad, huh?”

“It is very cool, Bateman,” Van Patten says guardedly, the jealous bastard, “but that’s nothing….” He pulls out his wallet and slaps a piece of paper next to an ashtray. “Look at this.” 

We all lean over and inspect David’s resume and Price quietly says, “That’s really nice.” A brief spasm of jealousy courses through me when I notice the elegance of the description of a class project that really wasn’t that impressive to begin with. 

I clench my fist as Van Patten says, smugly, “Legal clerking job I had in high school too…” He turns to me. “What do you think?” 

“Nice,” I croak, but manage to nod, as the busboy brings four fresh Celsius energy drinks. “Jesus,” Price says, holding the resume up to the light, ignoring the new drinks. “This is really super. How’d a nitwit like you get so experienced?”

I’m looking at Van Patten’s resume and then at mine and cannot believe that Price actually likes Van Patten’s better.

Dizzy, I sip my drink then take a deep breath.

“But wait,” Price says. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet…” He pulls his out of an inside coat pocket and slowly, dramatically turns it over for our inspection and says, “Mine.”

Even I have to admit it’s magnificent. Suddenly the restaurant seems far away, hushed, the noise distant, a meaningless hum, compared to this resume, and we all hear Price’s words: “White House internship, and a club presidency…”

“Holy shit,” Van Patten exclaims. “I’ve never seen…”

“Nice, very nice,” I have to admit. “But wait. Let’s see Montgomery’s.”

Price pulls it out and though he’s acting nonchalant, I don’t see how he can ignore its subtle use of adverbs, its tasteful beefing up of an unimportant position. I am unexpectedly depressed that I started this.

...

I pick up Montgomery’s resume and actually finger it, for the sensation the paper gives off to the pads of my fingers.

“Nice, huh?” Price’s tone suggests he realizes I’m jealous.

“Yeah,” I say offhandedly, giving Price the card like I don’t give a shit, but I’m finding it hard to swallow. 

***

This work is parody of Bret Easton Ellis’s American Psycho (1991) and not associated with or endorsed by the original creator of the subject matter.