The Scariest Scare of All... Spotify Wrapped.

Mark your calendars - Thursday, October 31 is the most important day of the year.

You may be thinking, “Duh! It’s Halloween!” Yes, it is. You are correct. However, October 31 is also known as….. the last day Spotify collects streaming data for their annual Wrapped recap. BOO! Very scary. 

If you don’t know what Spotify Wrapped is, i.e. if you have Apple Music, stop reading. You’re already so far behind, and frankly, we don’t have any time to waste! However, I will give a brief synopsis in the interest of creating community. 

In short, Spotify Wrapped is a special tradition held in high esteem among those with few hobbies and fewer friends. It’s a sacred ritual, one that informs us of who we are and who we are destined to be. Spotify Wrapped offers us a chance to brag about our uniqueness, and who wouldn’t jump at the chance to be better than someone else? 

This is a warning. Every song you’ve played since January 1 of this year will be compiled into one fun infographic to summarize your 2024 listening history. You’ll learn which day you nearly killed yourself (played a Phoebe Bridgers song 30 times) and which follower you’re most similar to (your ex from high school, who you still follow only because you feel you have to). They’ll probably even assign you a fruit that matches your musical vibe, and it will likely be subtly offensive. Gulp! I hope you didn’t have any *phases* this year!

You have until the end of the day to listen to a bunch of “cool,” “normal” music to cancel out the embarrassing stuff you’ve been bumping. Unless, of course, you want the world to see that your top genre is “melancholic, suffering, lo-fi depression-core evening.” You do you, girlfriend!

I suggest shuffling your most niche playlist while you sleep. Personally, I have listened to Troye Sivan’s “One of Your Girls” an irreparable amount, so I will be falling asleep to the tunes of Fiona Apple. If I’m feeling rather niche and need to get my stats to be extra normal, I’ll shuffle some Tyler, The Creator. That’s better, right? 

You could also create a long playlist of your most insufferable, never-before-heard songs to accompany you as you complete your daily routine. You may have to alter your habits for a few days, but the disturbance is the price you pay for being cool. It’s worth it. Turn off the television and turn up the music! 

And a final reminder: if you post your Spotify Wrapped graphic to your Instagram story and I see Morgan Wallen in your top five, I will block you. Get better taste. Happy streaming!