By Alex Murphy

A Straight Man’s Interpretation of ‘The Bachelor,’ Season 27

Warning: This article contains spoiler alerts, as it includes details from the most recent issue of ‘The Bachelor.’

I honestly considered not even including this disclaimer because if you are a true fan of the show, you should already be caught up on all the released episodes. Shame on you if you do not already know what is happening.

My new guilty pleasure is watching The Bachelor with my teammates every Monday night at 8:00. It started as something I begrudgingly attended– I was hesitant to say the least.

Of all the things I could do on a Monday night after dinner and practice, why would I choose to go watch a show where a man is dating dozens of women that often leads to dramatic tears and temper tantrums? I have schoolwork, I could call my girlfriend, or I could indulge in something I am already committed to watching on repeat like Seinfeld.

After some heavy convincing, I decided to go to my teammate’s apartment to watch this monstrosity of a show. What was the harm? These are some of my closest friends in college. It was worth soaking up something they enjoyed, especially when they had the courtesy of inviting me to. Why not right?

I hate to admit it, but I am emotionally invested in the show; probably more so than the group of women that I watch it with. Initially, this was just a reason for me to catch up with my friends after the weekend, but I actually began attending for the purpose of watching the show. This was all until my favorite woman on the show girlbossed her way tf off it.

For those unfamiliar with the show, there is usually a frequent pattern from episode to episode. Most of the shows are essentially split in thirds: a one-on-one date, where the bachelor chooses to go on a romantic outing with one singular women of his choosing; a group date, where all the other women flock together trying to gain the attention of Mr. Bachelor, (cringe, I know); and the Rose Ceremony, where the Bachelor chooses what women he wants to continue dating. This part usually ends in sobs from the cast members who are left without a rose and sent home to find love elsewhere.

Last week, my favorite cast member chose to leave the show after she was the only woman left to have not gone on a one-on-one date with the current bachelor, Zach Shallcross.

Jess Girod just graduated from Florida State University and was the youngest woman (23) to be on this season of The Bachelor. Jess was an absolute dime. Yes, I say this happily in a relationship of my own; however, this is justified. It’s just a show, and I can root for someone who is deserving of finding love.

Jess was, in my opinion, way out of Zach Shallcross’ league, but so is the entirety of his potential matches with the exception of Greer (who I have no positive feelings towards after finding out that she did blackface). That shit’s fucked up. Ever heard of background checking your contestants ABC?

Anyways, back to my main point: This Bachelor ain’t shit. He’s truthfully a dick, and is totally oblivious about it. In fairness, he does have the task of deciding who amongst a group of 30+ women will become his future wife, which, yes, is a lot of pressure, but have some mf’ing respect. This man should have been kicked off the show after he got COVID and dated these women via Zoom (yes, that actually happened). The man even gave it to one of his favs. It was Greer, so don’t feel too bad.

Prior to last Monday night’s rose ceremony, Jess was the first woman to really challenge Zach. He thought that it was unjustified for her to say their relationship was not progressing because of their lack of time alone together.

She explains that it is difficult to feel wanted by Zach, especially when other women are picked over her for one-on-one dates. She presses for answers and Zach asks her to stop, assuring her that he is confident in their relationship, even though they have not been on an intimate date.

When she told Zach about her anxiety and insecurities, he acted like there was no reason for her to be upset.

She refused to back down from her callout: “The clock is ticking. What can I do that’s organic and natural and not forced?

The Bachelor continues to talk out of his ass saying: “To be honest—and I’ll always be honest with you—I feel like there’s that disconnect. I don’t feel any more sure about this, and I feel nervous. I don’t know how you feel, but I’m not feeling confident, as hard as it is, and it pains me to say.”

Whow! Jaws on the floor. Wtf did he just say? Man’s just backpedaled so hard after giving Jess affirmation.

“I'm not going to fight for someone,” she replied. “I told you all I wanted was for someone to fight for me and I'm not doing that. I'm not going to beg for you.”

I mean, yeah. She’s too good for him!

As Zach watched Jess' car drive away, he broke down into tears, questioning, "What the fuck?"

Yeah, wtf Zach? You know you’re a headass for this. Can’t wait to see you wind up with someone who accepts that bullshit.

My suggestion for everyone watching is to boycott the rest of the season. Give no attention to this man. Look up the spoilers (because this shit is obviously prerecorded). It is not worth your time to watch this goof on your television screen.

Just wait until next season where chances are there will be another mediocre-looking guy with a blowfish of personality.

Zach Shallcross Ain’t Shit