Why Halloween Sucks (for single grown ups with no drip)
By Jordan Heffernan
Whenever Halloween rolls around I am reminded of the many years I’ve spent in trashy costumes and house parties asking strangers “what are you supposed to be?” Only to be met with an incredibly obscure or equally obvious answer (I should’ve known the guy double fisting Marlboros and a Natty Light was Bojack Horseman). I’ve come to appreciate the jankiness of college Halloween antics, but that wasn’t always the case. In honor of the worst best holiday we’ve all come to lovingly dread, here’s my list of reasons why Halloween isn’t for the faint of heart.
A Halloween hallmark is someone dressing up as a slutty version of something that has no reason being slutty. While some might not be complaining about the hot people finding their confidence, there's nothing worse than the frat guy with a beer belly coming to your party dressed as a slutty business major. Please, we don’t need any more reminders that you’re in Kogod. Please keep your pants on and your bulge hidden, I’d rather not bump into it on my way to the punch bowl.
Couples costumes are the bane of my existence whether I’m in a relationship or not. Trying to come up with something for myself is hard enough, much less having to coordinate with someone else. Another human who’s just as indecisive as I am? No thank you! All the couples I see wandering around in search of strangers’ candy or a house party to attend all have one thing in common: one person looks VERY in character while the other looks like they went digging around the thrift shop fifteen minutes before they pulled up to the party. This year, the call is coming from inside the house though since my partner already has their costume ready and I don’t even have a plan to get mine. It’s a never ending cycle, I swear.
On the topic of costumes, obviously costume parties are pretty popular this time of year. If you have the time management to actually plan out your costume ahead of time, they’re cool. But if you’re like me, they’re mostly just an excuse to get trashed at your friends place in a slightly out of the ordinary outfit of whatever you can find in your closet that kinda looks like it could be a costume. Last year, I got invited to a party at the last minute and ended up going as a nerd. I had my pants hiked up, shirt buttoned all the way, goofy shoes, the whole package. I spent the entire night being misidentified as Jeffery Dahmer by people who put even less effort into their fits than me. I mean absolutely no drip, I met one guy who went as a recently divorced used car salesman (if you’re reading this, you know who you are). Not a bad costume, but just chain smoking cigarettes isn’t a fit. I’d rather go trick or treating than go to a costume party with Wario and Lightning McQueen making out in the kitchen.
This next point hits home for me since I definitely still do it, but trick or treating has gotten difficult as the years drag on. I may be twenty, but mentally I’m just a three year old that can say fuck with no repercussions. If I want to wander aimlessly with some friends in search of a sugar high, I should be able to do so judgment free. If one more senior citizen asks me what middle school I go to I’m going to lose my mind. For those of us who are still kids at heart, we deserve candy too.
Halloween isn’t for the weak, especially not if you don’t have a good costume or an even better excuse as to why it sucks. This year I want to wish everybody king sized candy bars, zero hangovers, and a sudden stroke of genius when it comes to putting together last minute costumes (we all know you put it together less than five minutes before you went out). Happy Halloween!