The Dos And Don'ts of Telling Your Granola Parents You’re Bi

By: Joey Malaczewski

*Frog and Toad walking to go to fly a kite together*

Are you obsessed with the color forest green? How about frogs? Do you ever find yourself spending a little too much time in the warm lighting section at home depot? Or have you ever been glued to the couch watching HGTV? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then – like me – you may be the bisexual child of two granola liberal parents!

Okay, so you’re bi. Now what? At this point you’ve surely heard many people, whether queer themselves or not, talk about “coming out,” and may have been left feeling confused, overwhelmed, and intimidated to complete the formidable task assumed of all queer people. You don’t need to come out to prove your queerness to anyone, but it's oftentimes an important part of our identity we want to share with the most important people in our lives. “Coming out” can be daunting, and even with “progressive” parents, it's a scary task for anyone to accomplish. Rest assured, I am here to share some tips that helped me in my own coming out story, in hopes of making it just a little easier for any fellow bi folks who might want some pointers on how to make their experience just a little bit more pleasant. So, without further adieu, here are my Dos and Don'ts of coming out to your granola, NPR-loving, liberal parents.

DO: Drop Hints. Dropping hints is vital in coming out to your granola parents, and serves as good practice for the real thing. Pop culture is your best friend in this scenario – for example, music can easily be used to indicate that you just might “play for both sides”. If you’re looking for something subtle, I recommend playing The Record by Boygenius and Ethel Cain’s Preacher’s Daughter, as they are both excellent in quietly hinting at your queerness. Your parents might get a little concerned for your mental health though. More obvious picks include “Guts” by Olivia Rodrigo and my personal favorite: Rush by Troye Sivan.

DON’T: Consult Buzzfeed, Wikihow, or Cosmopolitan for advice. These websites are clearly influenced by aging millennials, and their “Creative Ways to Come Out” lists are an excellent way of ensuring that you will have the absolute cringiest coming out experience possible. After reading this article by Buzzfeed, I am convinced millennials have it out for the queer community. Maybe it’s internalized homophobia, maybe J.K. Rowling is rubbing off on millenials far more than we expected, but either way avoid using these sources.

DO: Be sure to come out on a weekday between 5pm-5:15pm. NPR’s All Things Considered concludes at 5 o’clock, so this will ensure that you’re catching your parents in a moment of pure euphoria. Nothing can go wrong for a middle class liberal who just listened to NPR. Nothing.

(Bonus points if you do it while they are driving to avoid awkward eye contact).

DON’T: Argue with your mom when she changes her Facebook photo to an image of her face with the words “ally” printed underneath. She loves you, and although you may think it's cringe, she is supporting you in the absolute best way she can.

Congratulations, you are officially ready to come out to your liberal parents. If you follow these simple steps, you should be entirely ready to embrace this beautiful part of your identity. But in case you still need that last push over the edge, there is an emergency back up plan that you can still use to indicate you’re bisexual: