Post-op: Galentine’s Day

by Caitlin McKee

A few REM-cycles ago, you were hanging out on your IKEA sofa with your girlfriends for the time-honored tradition: Galentine’s Day! You and the girls binged on box wine and the new season of Too Hot to Handle. You gawked at the single sex addicts who couldn’t seem to figure out how to build a healthy relationship, not even for $200,000. You were in awe of their lack of discipline, but what did you expect?

You teased their progress: it took a few episodes for them to realize they could use their mouths for more than just a smooch. They could actually use them to express their feelings and create meaningful connections. But after the wine wore off, you realized that you’re not one to talk: you weren’t doing either of those things. 

The next day you take a deep breath and log back into Instagram. You’ve been procrastinating the inevitable, but you need to update yourself on all the tea that Instagram stories have to unleash. Then, it hits you: the Pandora’s Box of unsolicited PDA engorges your timeline. You want to GAG at all the pretty, perfect pictures of the pretty, picture-perfect couples looking like they couldn’t bear spending one moment apart from their sweet Valentine.

Still, you can’t help but admire the thought and care the girls put into their posts. The cutesy little captions with the cutesy little GIFs in the cutesy little locations. Then there are the boy’s posts. You can tell which one’s asked for the girlfriend’s stamp of approval, and those who definitely should have. Whatever, it’s all one big ICK to you anyways.

You’re so glad you actually got to enjoy the holiday with the girls. Your best friend Val is one of the picture-perfect suckers who got trapped for the worst holiday of the year.

“He didn’t even ask me to be his Valentine.” 

“Haven’t you been dating for six months? Why does he need to ask” 

“Ugh, you just don’t GET it.” 

You don’t get it. Doesn’t she see how this holiday rips everyone apart? Single vs. Taken. Group plans vs. Couple plans. Girlfriend’s expectations vs. Boyfriend’s wallets. All for a holiday created to sell cheesy Hallmark Cards. Yeah, it’s a fake holiday, but some people manage to be even faker. Couples tend to realize around January that they can’t stand their partner anymore. But as soon as that calendar flips to February 1st, they can’t seem to pull the plug! Who can handle the pressure of navigating a breakup and finding a new boo in the span of two weeks? That would be way too much effort, so you might as well stick it out. 

It’s not all bad, really. Because the day after Valentine’s is when everyone can cash in on this ridiculous holiday. Nothing says a successful February 15th like clearing out the Tenleytown Target for all its discount candy.