Beware the Beard
by Shannon Kane
Coronavirus is old news. There’s a new epidemic in town, and his name is Beard Burn.
By now, we know that danger is lurking all around us. It’s in the air we breathe, the media we consume, and now it’s in the facial hair of our lovers. We thought we were safe in the arms of our special sweethearts, but we were sorely (pun intended) mistaken.
Beard burn feels like someone took a brillo pad and went to town on your face. It’ll have you looking like you just got hit with a hockey stick or maybe had an allergic reaction to a bee sting. Whichever form your burn takes, it is absolutely not sexy, nor is it comfortable.
‘Stache rash is real, and it is painful. Have you or a loved one been victimized by rogue hair follicles? While there is no known cure for beard burn, there are a few things you can do to prevent that massive red rash from gracing your face. Read on for the five most tried and tested tips to #beattheburn:
The mask stays ON during hookups. Have you ever seen those couples who make out over their masks in public? You know you wish you were them. In the words of Paris Hilton, “That’s hot.” Nothing says romance like the taste of a KN95.
Abstinence. A tale as old as time. This method is 100% effective in preventing beard burn AND the creation of more Scorpios. Kill two birds with one stone!
Tongue only. Not even lips. Just go at each others’ tongues like you’re participating in a medieval duel. Or, if that’s not your cup of tea, you can always spit in each other’s mouths.
Positive affirmations. If you get a beard burn, it’s actually because you didn’t work hard enough to prevent it. Next time, consider politely asking your skin to cooperate.
This Sex Week, consider gifting your partner a razor. I’m sure you both would really appreciate it. One shave and you’re good for about 30 seconds! (that stubble is insidious).
Unfortunately, all I can offer you at this time is awareness, thoughts, and prayers. It’s up to you to prevent beard burn; maybe you’ll be inspired to take up the cause and create an infographic. Regardless of how you choose to spend your Sex Week, I hope it’s frictionless.
Stay safe out there, Eagles!